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Silly, silly Black Eyed Peas. Like a host of other big names who've graced us with their presence in recent months, pseudo-funk/hip-hop/dance collective Black Eyed Peas have opted not to do any interviews.
Which is, of course, totally up to them, and even a little understandable, since no matter who they talk to, the stands at their show this Saturday will still be jam-packed with fans (even though they last played Winnipeg ... what, 14 months ago?)
Only problem is, now we've gotta come up with a feature piece without the benefit of new information. And since we're sick of racking our brains for shiny superlatives to apply to "artists" who can't be bothered with a 10-minute phone call, we've instead decided to tell you what we really think of Black Eyed Peas.
To put it mildly, not much.
To us, Black Eyed Peas represent pretty much everything that's wrong with music nowadays, from their supposedly socially conscious lyrics to their inescapable ubiquitousness (first Best Buy, then the world!) to their oh-so-calculated street image. Had we got some phone time with 'em, we'd probably have felt more generous. But since we didn't (and since we're small, petty people), we're just gonna point out the following:
1) The poor spelling
Sure, the Peas aren't the first posse out there to take liberties with the English language. But two of the band's four members (will.i.am and apl.de.ap) have taken the practice so far they're like those Valley girls who insisted on being called Tyfanni, then dotted their "i" with a heart or a smiley face. And don't get us started on Fergie's new album The Dutchess. What, there's not a single person in the BEP camp who knows how to run Spellcheck? (No "t" in Duchess, kids.) No, the only explanation (besides the possibility Fergie is Dutch, which she isn't), is it's some sort of reefer reference, which -- given the amount of hand-wringing she's done over her meth-addict past, plus the fact most of their fans are 13 -- is kind of lame.
2) The rampant sampling
Hey, even we thought Don't Phunk With My Heart was kind of catchy ... for about 10 seconds, until we realized we'd enjoyed it even more 20 years ago, when it was a Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam song called I Wonder if I Take You Home. My Humps rips off I Need a Freak by Sexual Harassment, the track Union "interpolates" Sting's Englishman in New York (even drafting the once-great rocker for an embarrassing cameo), and Pump It consists of nothing more than Dick Dale's Miserlou run in its entirety but with a bunch of annoying beats and ad libs slapped on. That's not sampling, that's a cover. Strike those songs from the record (along with Let's Get Retarded, but more on that later), and all you're left with is Where is the Love?, the catchy chorus for which was written by one Justin Timberlake. While he was on the phone, yet.
3) The sophomoric lyrics
Speaking of Let's Get Retarded, can we pause for a moment to thank Black Eyed Peas for re-inserting one of the most moronic words in history (unless you're in, say, Grade 4) back into the pop culture vernacular? We're aware they re-recorded the track as Let's Get it Started, but that was only so they could get radio play. We're also aware many cognitively challenged folks do, indeed, use the word "retarded" (like gays with "queer," or blacks with that word you should never utter). But none of Black Eyed Peas has a visible handicap, though Fergie's heinous plastic surgery might be indicative of some developmental difficulty. Then there's My Humps, Fergie's ode to her "lovely lady lumps," which could have been good if it wasn't just the phrase "my humps" repeated over and over ad nauseam (speaking of which, didn't they already try that with Shut Up?). Ditto Dum Diddly, Ba Bump, and the aforementioned Where is the Love?, a fairly insipid exploration of the world's post-9/11 big chill. Besides, credit (or blame) for that one belongs to Timberlake.
4) The dubious street cred
Yeah, Apl lived in poverty in the Philippines until he was 14, and he and Will (who grew up in the projects but was bussed to an all-white school) took part in breakdancing and emcee battles in their younger years. But Taboo's first industry job was shovelling horse manure at Disneyland, and Fergie was a child star on TV's Kids Incorporated (alongside future thespians like Mario Lopez and Jennifer Love Hewitt) before forming pop trio Wild Orchid, a teeny-bopper version of Wilson Phillips. And, yes, their multi-culti, positive-thinking vibe can be a welcome relief from the bling-laden boasts of rap contemporaries. But are we the only ones who think they seem less like a band and more like a middle-aged marketing exec's version of what a Benetton ad might look like if scored to some "phat beats" and "dope rhymes?"
5) The lack of bladder control
During a concert in Australia, Fergie peed her pants while on stage. Yes, literally PEED HER PANTS. Thankfully, she no longer discusses the incident with press ("Would you?" being her quote on the matter), but earlier shrugged off the incident by saying, "We were jumping around -- it was all very rock 'n' roll." Sorry, but no. Keith Richards doing enough heroin to kill a herd of elephants, then heading back to the basement to crank out Exile on Main St.? That's rock 'n' roll. Peeing your pants on stage because you had too much champagne in the green room? That's just sad.