WINNIPEG - Half a century ago, Dr. Seuss bet a publisher $50 that he could write a book using just 50 different words. Then he wrote Green Eggs and Ham.
How things change. Some 50 years later, Black Eyed Peas get paid millions for writing songs like My Humps and Boom Boom Pow — simplistic, repetitive fare that uses half as many words, a fraction of the wit, and generally makes Seuss sound like Shakespeare.
With that in mind — and since this week is the 50th anniversary of Green Eggs and Ham — here's how the good doctor might have reviewed Wednesday's Black Eyed Peas concert at MTS Centre.
Or not.
• • •
Those Black Eyed Peas
Those Black Eyed Peas
I do not like those Black Eyed Peas
•
Those Black Eyed Peas
Oh, holy jeez
I sure dislike those Black Eyed Peas
•
I cannot stand their Boom Boom Pow
Their music makes my head go 'Ow!'
Their lyrics? Brainless as a cow
But I dug their concert anyhow
•
The hip-pop stars played MTS
How many fans came? Can you guess?
12,000 and more came, they did
Most were women; lots were kids
•
Outside in the arena hall
It felt just like a shopping mall
On and on the promo went
Smart phones, rum and Fergie's scent
•
Shirt and programs sold all right
And many thing with flashing lights
Glasses, bracelets, pendants, more
They twinkled all across the floor
•
The tour is called The E.N.D.
Energy Never Dies — you see?
Who knows what that is all about
It sounds cool; that's all that counts
•
And speaking of some energy
They used tons, believe you me
To power all their high-tech gear
That stretched from here to there to here
•
Graphics on the giant screen
Lasers: Blue and red and green
Wind machines and dry ice fog
You'd think they played some crazy prog
•
Dancers and a five-piece band
On a giant lighted stand
In short: A show beyond belief
Plus a fat guy — comic relief
•
A robot voice introduced them
A giant platform rose to boost them
They opened with Let's Get it Started
(They no longer use the word Retarded)
•
They were sporting spangly suits
And some wild-looking boots
They were dressed up like rock stars
Who came down from the planet Mars
•
The bass, the bass was really whumping
The beat, the beat was really thumping
Their infectious grooves were pumping
And the whole crowd started jumping
•
They played most of their biggest songs
They didn't play some for too long
’Cause this was more about the show
Than the music, doncha know
•
After the first bunch of hits
They went into their solo bits
Since that's the way their show is done
Let's talk about them one by one
• • •
That will.i.am
That will.i.am
I do not care for will.i.am
•
First he did a freestyle rap
He did it fast and so fans clapped
Then came his robo-DJ set
That was pointless as it gets
•
He was raised above the crowd
So everyone screamed real loud
He spun Nirvana and Journey
Some girlie spilled her beer on me
• • •
That Fergie Ferg
That Fergie Ferg
I do not mind that Fergie Ferg
•
Sure, she sings about her humps
Her lovely lovely lady lumps
Her humps her humps her humps her humps
Enough about her stupid bumps
•
Some say she's going to leave the band
I completely understand
Their songs don't really suit her voice
She likely doesn't have a choice
•
She has to wear some silly clothes
She waves her arms and strikes a pose
I bet that she could real wail
If she broke out of Black Eyed jail
• • •
Those other two
Those other two
Who cares about those other two?
•
Is this one really named Tattoo?
Or should that really be Babu?
Should I call that other Snapple?
Or perhaps it could be Frapple?
•
One of them had some silly hair
And one flew way up in the air
He rode a motorbike of lights
That was his big bit for the night
• • •
And once they all had got to bow
They did more songs like Boom Boom Pow
Of course they did I Gotta Feeling
Confetti came down from the ceiling
•
And that was when I figured out
Just what the Peas are all about
With all that cash spent on that flash
And all that blinging over singing
•
They may know how to talk the talk
But when they try to walk the walk
They don't have much beyond the shlok
They're KISS for folks who don't like rock
•
Set List:
Let's Get It Started
Rock That Body
Meet Me Halfway
Alive
Don't Phunk with My Heart
will.i.am Freestyle
Imma Be
My Humps
Missing You
Bebot (Apl.de.ap solo)
Mare (Apl.de.ap solo)
Rocking to the Beat (Taboo solo)
Fergalicious (Fergie solo)
Glamorous (Fergie Solo)
Big Girls Don't Cry (Fergie solo)
DJ Set (will.i.am solo)
Pump It
Where Is the Love?
Encore:
Boom Boom Pow
I Gotta Feeling
darryl.sterdan@sunmedia.ca
