CONCERNED CITIZEN NO. 1: "Oh, my, how could they nominate Eminem for album of the year at the Grammys? If Frank Sinatra were still alive, it would kill him. Eminem's lyrics are so violent and homophobic."

CONCERNED CITIZEN NO. 2: "Have you listened to the record?"

CC. 1: "Well, no. But he's violent and homophobic. It says so right here in The Edmonton Sun."

EMINEM: "What can I do to shock people at the Grammys? Such a burden I have to live up to. Being so violent and homophobic as I am may not be enough. I know! A duet - with Elton John. He'll duet with anyone. Why not me? He is gentle and homosexual. I am violent and homophobic. What a delightful contrast that will be."

ELTON JOHN: "Remember to make the cheque out to Sir Elton John ..."

The preceding was fiction. Got that? Fiction! But it's the gist of what people are saying about the 43rd annual Grammy Awards happening Wednesday. Another bunch of overpriced pop stars are up for another bunch of overrated awards no one will remember or care about two years from now. No ... that's not the story. The story is this: Eminem will perform a duet of Stan, a song about an obsessed fan, with Elton John, making for a solid three minutes of must-see TV. Not since the soy bomb dude crashed Bob Dylan's performance has the Grammys been this exciting.

The Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation condemned Grammy organizers for allowing Eminem to appear. The same group had proclaimed Elton John a hero. Elton John recently said he's "a big fan" of Eminem. GLAAD must be in one hell of a tizzy.

You don't have to look far to find Eminem opponents. Edmonton Sun columnist Mindelle Jacobs, who has heart, actually took the time to listen to Eminem's latest album, The Marshall Mathers LP, the one that got the four Grammy nominations this year. Her conclusion: "His music sucks and his lyrics are repulsive ... it's hard not to conclude that the glorification of violence, especially towards women, is his raison d'etre."

It's not hard to find Eminem supporters, either. His record sold more than eight million copies. But we wanted something better than, "Like, he's cool, you know?"

Enter Andy Krims, associate professor of music at the University of Alberta and director of the fledgling Institute for Popular Music. Krims specializes in rap culture. He's trying to figure out why people are picking on Eminem.

"Listen to a song like Ice Cube's No Vaseline, which is on his album Death Certificate, and that's from 1991," Krims says. "Rap music culture has always been extremely homophobic. I'm not saying that this excuses Eminem, but it does bring up the question of why he's being singled out. Of course, the thing with Elton John makes it even funnier."

Krims points out a rich legacy of violence in popular music, whether it be Jimi Hendrix ("I'm going down to shoot my lady, 'cause I caught her messing 'round with another man") or Johnny Cash ("I shot a man just to watch him die") and on and on back to the deep blues, which is filled with themes of murder and mayhem.

Eminem basically says the same sort of thing. He's just funnier. Listening to The Marshall Mathers LP is like hearing some evil imp spouting its master's darkest, most secret thoughts. Eminem is his own evil twin. It would be pretty funny stuff if it was a Quentin Tarantino movie or something, but in pop music - especially rap, which is supposed to be Truth from the Streets - some people tend to lose their sense of humour and take it literally.

"I think most of the people who are criticizing him don't really get it," Krims says. "If you listen to his music with a reasonable amount of cultural knowledge, it's very obvious that he's speaking in character. If you're capable of perceiving humour in music then it's very hard to listen to someone like Eminem and not hear it as self-parody."

OK, so maybe not everything Eminem does is deep satirical comment. He may not be that smart. He at least knows the value of gratuitous shock for its own sake, the same kind of material Howard Stern has built a career on.

Krims also figures Eminem is being singled out because he's the frontman for rap music barging into mainstream America. Rap has been a thorn in the establishment's side even before Ice T did Cop Killer back in 1992. Now he plays a cop on TV. The same fate awaits Eminem, I suspect: absorption into the pop culture mass.

As for the Grammys, the great white rapper will be a mere blip (and subject of a few Jon Stewart jokes) in a long broadcast filled with the usual log-rolling, glad-handing, God-thanking, mawkish mush that all Grammy Awards broadcasts are sodden with. Besides, he's not going to win album of the year. Paul Simon is.

But Eminem at least deserves to be up there, according to our local rap scholar.

"I think it's an excellent album," Krims says. "I think both of his albums are excellent. He's an extremely gifted rapper. His skills are among the top of any MC around."

Whether you agree or not, you might want to watch Eminem on Wednesday, at least for three minutes. The Grammy Awards airs at 8 p.m. on Global (Cable 8).