Hell is a skating rink. Pigs are airborne. And don't look now, but monkeys might have just flown out of your butt.
These apocalyptic events can only mean one thing: Guns N' Roses have finally released Chinese Democracy.
Yep, it's true. After 17 years, umpteen personnel changes and enough studio time to make Michael Jackson look like a slacker, the world's most long-awaited album will -- barring some last-second (and entirely possible) freakout by Axl Rose -- arrive in stores today.
Only time will tell if it turns out to be Axl's masterpiece or his folly (see the accompanying review for our two cents). Either way, it will likely be the defining moment in his career.
But it's just one of countless moments in the long, winding road to Chinese Democracy. Here's the whole story.
1991
Guns N' Roses -- Rose, guitarists Slash and Izzy Stradlin, bassist Duff McKagan and drummer Matt Sorum -- release Use Your Illusion I and 2. Stradlin quits and is replaced by Gilbey Clarke.
In the real world: The U.S. launches Operation Desert Storm, invading Iraq to liberate Kuwait.
1994
The band begins recording -- though by this point, members are barely speaking. Rose fires Clarke and replaces him with childhood friend Paul Tobias. The band releases a cover of Sympathy for the Devil -- Slash's final work with the group.
In the real world: Nirvana's Kurt Cobain, Rose's nemesis, commits suicide.
1996
A band publicist says, "It's possible to have a Guns record this year. But it's also unlikely." It becomes even more unlikely when Slash resigns.
In the real world: U.S. President Bill Clinton is re-elected.
1997
Nine Inch Nails guitarist Robin Finck joins. Sorum and McKagan split, leaving Rose sole original member. Tommy Stinson of The Replacements joins on bass; Josh Freese takes over for Sorum.
In the real world: Princess Diana dies in a car crash in Paris.
1998
Rose, enamoured of electronica, learns to make drum loops, program electronic instruments and play guitar. Keyboardist and programmer Chris Pitman signs on.
In the real world: The movie Titanic wins 11 Oscars.
1999
Finck rejoins NiN. Enigmatic guitarist Buckethead steps in. The band releases a new song -- Oh My God -- on the End of Days soundtrack. Axl announces Chinese Democracy is due in 2000.
In the real world: Two Colorado teens stage a massacre at Columbine High School.
2000
Producer Roy Thomas Baker is hired. Finck returns. Drummer Freese leaves, replaced by Brian Mantia, aka Brain. On New Year's Eve, the band plays its first show in years in Las Vegas.
In the real world: George W. Bush is elected U.S. President.
2001
The band cancels a European tour to record. A source will later say they "got close" to finishing the disc.
In the real world: Terrorists attack New York City and Washington on 9/11.
2002
Producer Baker and guitarist Tobias are jettisoned, the latter replaced by Richard Fortus. The band plays Madagascar at the MTV VMAs.
In the real world: The Euro is introduced.
2004
Buckethead is fired, apparently for not being at Rose's beck and call. Stinson says he expects the album to be done by fall.
In the real world: George Bush is re-elected.
2005
A short clip of the song IRS leaks online.
In the real world: Hurricane Katrina devastates New Orleans.
2006
Guitarist Bumblefoot signs on, with drummer Frank Ferrer. Rose says they're working on 32 songs, with 26 nearly complete, and 13 destined for release "this year." Four songs leak.
In the real world: Stephen Harper becomes Prime Minister.
2007
The band says the album is finished. A March 6 release date is scheduled -- and missed. Three more tracks leak.
In the real world: The I-35 Bridge in Minneapolis collapses, killing 13.
2008
The bulk of the disc leaks, leading to the arrest of a California man, who later pleads guilty to copyright infringement and faces a year in prison. Dr. Pepper announces it will give a free can of soda to every person in America -- except Slash and Buckethead -- if the album comes out this year. Much to their chagrin, and more than 17 years after its predecessor, Chinese Democracy goes on sale today -- we hope.
In the real world: China hosts the Olympics. Democracy, not so much.
Tell us what you think of the new album HERE!
