January 2, 2005
Spy magazine used to do this great year-end wrap: The 100 most annoying people, places or things of the year. The list determining with mathematical precision exactly how much one year's nuisances of pop culture got up our noses.
Since 2004 is shaping up to be one of the most annoying years in history, we thought it appropriate to steal the idea whole. Spy is long gone, so someone has to crunch the numbers of umbrage, to quantify the irksome, to parse the gall and wormwood. Space prohibits listing 100 items, so it will have to be 15 - abundant irritation for our purposes! From Janet Jackson's Nipplegate (the obvious winner) to the Donald (an old Spy favourite at No. 4) to the pathologically generous Oprah (who just squeaked into the top 15), it was a very annoying year.
1. Nipplegate
Media saturation: 10/10 Annoyingness: 10/10 Score: 100.
Misdeeds: While having no problem with depictions of beatings, shootings, torture and murder on network television, the U.S. Federal Communications Commission had kittens from one second of Janet Jackson's naked nipple on the Super Bowl halftime show; CBS was fined a record $550,000 US; a tape delay is now a broadcast standard.
Bonus points: Put the heretofore unheard phrase "wardrobe malfunction" into common use.
2. Jessica and Ashlee Simpson
Media saturation: 9.5/10 Annoyingness: 10/10 Score: 95.
Misdeeds: Turned being dumb and married to a former boy band member into a lucrative career (Jessica); demonstrated the truly soul-crushing depths to which manufactured pop stardom has sunk (Ashlee).
Mitigating factors: The tabloids say Jessica and Nick's marriage is on the rocks, and Ashlee made a colossal fool of herself with the Saturday Night Live lip-synching fiasco.
3. Britney Spears
Media Saturation: 9/10 Annoyingness: 10/10 Score: 90.
Misdeeds: Reverted to her white-trash roots via a quickie marriage; copious junk food/cheap booze/cigarette consumption and barefoot strolls through gas station restrooms, which could help explain her notoriously stinky feet. Whatever happened to the pouty-lipped tart we fell in love with?
Mitigating factors: Will probably soon drop out of sight to breed.
Bonus points: Has joined Madonna and Demi Moore as one the growing number of non-Jewish celebrity kabbalah practitioners. Oy vey.
4. The Donald
Media Saturation: 9/10. Annoyingness: 9/10 Score: 81.
Misdeeds: Allowed one of the more worthwhile reality shows of the year to morph into an attention whorefest for its second season; shameless self-promotion on same; that HAIR.
Mitigating factors: His cash-poor but irony-rich casino empire filed for bankruptcy. Again.
Bonus points: Is in the process of selling the broadcast rights to his upcoming wedding to a model half his age. Ick.
5. The Passion of Mel Gibson
Media saturation: 10/10 Annoyingness: 8/10 Score: 80.
Misdeeds: Turned the last hours of Jesus's life into a gorefest the envy of Quentin Tarantino; depicted Jewish children as demons, a woman as the devil; neglected to include subtitles for anti-Semitic lines in Aramaic; of the reporter who uncovered his dad's Holocaust-refuting remarks, said, "I want his intestines on a stick ... I want to kill his dog." Offered no director's comments on the DVD.
Mitigating factors: No chance for a sequel.
Bonus points: Mel funded the film himself when none of the major studios would pick it up. It has since grossed more than $600 million US worldwide.
6. Unreality TV
Media saturation: 8.5/10. Annoyingness: 9/10 Score: 76.5.
Misdeeds: America's Next Top Model, Extreme Makeover, The Swan, The Biggest Loser, He's a Lady, Married by America, My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance, My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss, $25 Million Hoax, Rebel Billionaire, The Swan, American Idol, Canadian Idol.
Mitigating factors: The Amazing Race continues to single-handedly redeem the genre; Survivor: Vanuatu's finale lost in the ratings to Desperate Housewives, the first time a Survivor finale has failed to win its timeslot.
Bonus points: The trend seems to be moving from losers willing to trade dignity for fame (The Swan) to shows that cruelly torture unwitting participants with a grand fraud (My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance, $25 Million Hoax).
7. Michael Moore
Media saturation: 10/10 Annoyingness: 7.5/10 Score: 75.
Misdeeds: Used the "controversy" of Disney's decision not to release Fahrenheit 9/11 to promote the film even though he'd known about it for a year; movie made more than $100 million anyway; suppressed footage of Iraqi prisoner abuse he had months before it became public; annoyed one of Osama bin Laden's half-brothers, who alleges "errors or inaccuracies about my family"; declined to enter Fahrenheit 9/11 in the documentary category at the Oscars because it might have a shot at best picture; offered clean underwear to college students in exchange for their promise to vote; on the booing he got when Senator John McCain mentioned Fahrenheit 9/11, said, "I now know what the Christians probably felt like walking into the Colosseum"; annoyed Fahrenheit 451 author Ray Bradbury; is a disgrace to fair and balanced journalism; is a slob.
Mitigating factor: Lots of good fat jokes on late-night TV.
8. Michael Jackson
Media saturation: 8.5/10. Annoyingness: 8/10 Score: 68.
Misdeeds: Accused of molesting children who visited his freaky-ass theme park of a home and doesn't quite seem to grasp the seriousness of the charges against him. Is really just too inhumanly bizarre for words.
Mitigating factors: We'll always have Thriller.
9. Paris Hilton
Media saturation: 8/10 Annoyingness: 8/10 Score: 64.
Misdeeds: Level of notoriety inversely proportional to both her intelligence and talent; used a home sex tape as a springboard to even greater heights of fame; was declared one of the most fascinating people of 2004 by dinojournalist Barbara Walters.
Mitigating factors: Is able to make those around her look like geniuses by comparison, including Simple Life co-star Nicole Richie and Tinkerbell, her pet chihuahua.
Bonus points: Somehow made the act of watching an attractive woman engage in oral sex incredibly boring.
10. Elton John
Media saturation: 6/10 Annoyingness: 10/10 Score: 60.
Misdeeds: Said that American Idol results "incredibly racist," which is tantamount to saying its viewers are; Aberdeen airport stayed open past its curfew so he could catch a late flight after a concert; said that after seeing Billy Elliot "I was sobbing in my seat and had to be carted out by three people"; lashed out at photographers in Taiwan, "Rude vile pigs! Do you know what that means? Rude vile pigs. That's what all of you are!"; stabbed his friend Madonna in the back by accusing her of lip-syncing, only to apologize days later; blamed Posh for relationship woes with David Beckham; annoyed George Michael with empty speculation Michael said was stuff Elton picked up on the "gay grapevine." Is there such a thing as male menopause?
Mitigating factor: Elton was beat out by George on the list of most popular British male artists.
11. Mary-Kate and Ashley
Media saturation: 7/10 Annoyingness: 8/10 Score: 56.
Misdeeds: One of them - we honestly can't remember which - checked into a clinic for an eating disorder, which is apparently celebrity code for cocaine habit; have far too much money and influence for a pair of empty-headed monkey-girls.
Mitigating factors: It's only a matter of time before a sex tape surfaces.
Bonus points: New York Minute.
12. Stars Against Bush
Media saturation: 7/10 Annoyingness: 7/10 Score: 49.
Misdeeds: Ben Affleck, Alec Baldwin, Candice Bergen, Jackson Browne, George Clooney, Kevin Costner, Matt Damon, the Dixie Chicks, Tom Hanks, Ron Howard, John Mellencamp, Gwyneth Paltrow, Pearl Jam, Bruce Springsteen, Ben Stiller, Michael Stipe, Barbra Streisand and Robin Williams.
Mitigating factor: Toby Keith
Bonus points: Liberals threatened to move to Canada if George W. Bush won the U.S. election, but the only American celebrity to come here so far is Bush.
13. Idols Among Us
Media saturation: 5/10 Annoyingness: 8/10 Score: 40.
Misdeeds: Fantasia Barrino was named the third American Idol despite her opponent being endorsed by the governor of Georgia; Canadian Idol runner-up Jacob Hoggard was booed at an area hockey game; a charity called People for Ultimate Kindness Toward All Living Creatures on Earth bid $10,099 US for a lunch with Diana DeGarmo; Fantasia, DeGarmo, Kelly Clarkson, Clay Aiken, Ruben Studdard, Gary Beals, Billy Klippert, Audrey de Montigny, William Hung, Kurt Nilsen and Kalan Porter had new records out in 2004.
Mitigating factor: Both A Clay Aiken Christmas and Fantasia: Home for Christmas were hammered in the ratings.
Bonus points: Fantasia recently told reporters, "I'm not going to let people forget me. I'm going to be on cereal boxes, milk cartons and ice-cream trucks."
14. The Greatest Canadian
Media saturation: 2/10 Annoyingness: 10/10 Score: 20.
Misdeeds: CBC dragged out excruciating, unwatchable series to determine the "greatest Canadians"; winner had people exclaiming, "Who the hell is Tommy Douglas?" (only the father of medicare); Don Cherry places higher on the list than Wayne Gretzky.
Mitigating factor: No one watched it.
15. Oprah
Media saturation: 6/10 Annoyingness: 3/10 Score: 18.
Misdeeds: Gave a brand new $28,000 Pontiac to every member of her studio audience, 276 people, prompting Letterman to dole out car air-fresheners the next day; served on a jury at a murder trial, invited fellow jurors on her show; liked a sandwich so much she bought the sandwich store; declined to run for president as per Michael Moore's suggestion.
Mitigating factor: Dr. Phil still losing hair.
Nipplegate tops 2004's most annoying list
 |
Since 2004 is shaping up to be one of the most annoying years in history, we thought it appropriate to steal the idea whole. Spy is long gone, so someone has to crunch the numbers of umbrage, to quantify the irksome, to parse the gall and wormwood. Space prohibits listing 100 items, so it will have to be 15 - abundant irritation for our purposes! From Janet Jackson's Nipplegate (the obvious winner) to the Donald (an old Spy favourite at No. 4) to the pathologically generous Oprah (who just squeaked into the top 15), it was a very annoying year.
1. Nipplegate
Media saturation: 10/10 Annoyingness: 10/10 Score: 100.
Misdeeds: While having no problem with depictions of beatings, shootings, torture and murder on network television, the U.S. Federal Communications Commission had kittens from one second of Janet Jackson's naked nipple on the Super Bowl halftime show; CBS was fined a record $550,000 US; a tape delay is now a broadcast standard.
Bonus points: Put the heretofore unheard phrase "wardrobe malfunction" into common use.
2. Jessica and Ashlee Simpson
Media saturation: 9.5/10 Annoyingness: 10/10 Score: 95.
Misdeeds: Turned being dumb and married to a former boy band member into a lucrative career (Jessica); demonstrated the truly soul-crushing depths to which manufactured pop stardom has sunk (Ashlee).
Mitigating factors: The tabloids say Jessica and Nick's marriage is on the rocks, and Ashlee made a colossal fool of herself with the Saturday Night Live lip-synching fiasco.
3. Britney Spears
Media Saturation: 9/10 Annoyingness: 10/10 Score: 90.
Misdeeds: Reverted to her white-trash roots via a quickie marriage; copious junk food/cheap booze/cigarette consumption and barefoot strolls through gas station restrooms, which could help explain her notoriously stinky feet. Whatever happened to the pouty-lipped tart we fell in love with?
Mitigating factors: Will probably soon drop out of sight to breed.
Bonus points: Has joined Madonna and Demi Moore as one the growing number of non-Jewish celebrity kabbalah practitioners. Oy vey.
4. The Donald
Media Saturation: 9/10. Annoyingness: 9/10 Score: 81.
Misdeeds: Allowed one of the more worthwhile reality shows of the year to morph into an attention whorefest for its second season; shameless self-promotion on same; that HAIR.
Mitigating factors: His cash-poor but irony-rich casino empire filed for bankruptcy. Again.
Bonus points: Is in the process of selling the broadcast rights to his upcoming wedding to a model half his age. Ick.
5. The Passion of Mel Gibson
Media saturation: 10/10 Annoyingness: 8/10 Score: 80.
Misdeeds: Turned the last hours of Jesus's life into a gorefest the envy of Quentin Tarantino; depicted Jewish children as demons, a woman as the devil; neglected to include subtitles for anti-Semitic lines in Aramaic; of the reporter who uncovered his dad's Holocaust-refuting remarks, said, "I want his intestines on a stick ... I want to kill his dog." Offered no director's comments on the DVD.
Mitigating factors: No chance for a sequel.
Bonus points: Mel funded the film himself when none of the major studios would pick it up. It has since grossed more than $600 million US worldwide.
6. Unreality TV
Media saturation: 8.5/10. Annoyingness: 9/10 Score: 76.5.
Misdeeds: America's Next Top Model, Extreme Makeover, The Swan, The Biggest Loser, He's a Lady, Married by America, My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance, My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss, $25 Million Hoax, Rebel Billionaire, The Swan, American Idol, Canadian Idol.
Mitigating factors: The Amazing Race continues to single-handedly redeem the genre; Survivor: Vanuatu's finale lost in the ratings to Desperate Housewives, the first time a Survivor finale has failed to win its timeslot.
Bonus points: The trend seems to be moving from losers willing to trade dignity for fame (The Swan) to shows that cruelly torture unwitting participants with a grand fraud (My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance, $25 Million Hoax).
7. Michael Moore
Media saturation: 10/10 Annoyingness: 7.5/10 Score: 75.
Misdeeds: Used the "controversy" of Disney's decision not to release Fahrenheit 9/11 to promote the film even though he'd known about it for a year; movie made more than $100 million anyway; suppressed footage of Iraqi prisoner abuse he had months before it became public; annoyed one of Osama bin Laden's half-brothers, who alleges "errors or inaccuracies about my family"; declined to enter Fahrenheit 9/11 in the documentary category at the Oscars because it might have a shot at best picture; offered clean underwear to college students in exchange for their promise to vote; on the booing he got when Senator John McCain mentioned Fahrenheit 9/11, said, "I now know what the Christians probably felt like walking into the Colosseum"; annoyed Fahrenheit 451 author Ray Bradbury; is a disgrace to fair and balanced journalism; is a slob.
Mitigating factor: Lots of good fat jokes on late-night TV.
8. Michael Jackson
Media saturation: 8.5/10. Annoyingness: 8/10 Score: 68.
Misdeeds: Accused of molesting children who visited his freaky-ass theme park of a home and doesn't quite seem to grasp the seriousness of the charges against him. Is really just too inhumanly bizarre for words.
Mitigating factors: We'll always have Thriller.
9. Paris Hilton
Media saturation: 8/10 Annoyingness: 8/10 Score: 64.
Misdeeds: Level of notoriety inversely proportional to both her intelligence and talent; used a home sex tape as a springboard to even greater heights of fame; was declared one of the most fascinating people of 2004 by dinojournalist Barbara Walters.
Mitigating factors: Is able to make those around her look like geniuses by comparison, including Simple Life co-star Nicole Richie and Tinkerbell, her pet chihuahua.
Bonus points: Somehow made the act of watching an attractive woman engage in oral sex incredibly boring.
10. Elton John
Media saturation: 6/10 Annoyingness: 10/10 Score: 60.
Misdeeds: Said that American Idol results "incredibly racist," which is tantamount to saying its viewers are; Aberdeen airport stayed open past its curfew so he could catch a late flight after a concert; said that after seeing Billy Elliot "I was sobbing in my seat and had to be carted out by three people"; lashed out at photographers in Taiwan, "Rude vile pigs! Do you know what that means? Rude vile pigs. That's what all of you are!"; stabbed his friend Madonna in the back by accusing her of lip-syncing, only to apologize days later; blamed Posh for relationship woes with David Beckham; annoyed George Michael with empty speculation Michael said was stuff Elton picked up on the "gay grapevine." Is there such a thing as male menopause?
Mitigating factor: Elton was beat out by George on the list of most popular British male artists.
11. Mary-Kate and Ashley
Media saturation: 7/10 Annoyingness: 8/10 Score: 56.
Misdeeds: One of them - we honestly can't remember which - checked into a clinic for an eating disorder, which is apparently celebrity code for cocaine habit; have far too much money and influence for a pair of empty-headed monkey-girls.
Mitigating factors: It's only a matter of time before a sex tape surfaces.
Bonus points: New York Minute.
12. Stars Against Bush
Media saturation: 7/10 Annoyingness: 7/10 Score: 49.
Misdeeds: Ben Affleck, Alec Baldwin, Candice Bergen, Jackson Browne, George Clooney, Kevin Costner, Matt Damon, the Dixie Chicks, Tom Hanks, Ron Howard, John Mellencamp, Gwyneth Paltrow, Pearl Jam, Bruce Springsteen, Ben Stiller, Michael Stipe, Barbra Streisand and Robin Williams.
Mitigating factor: Toby Keith
Bonus points: Liberals threatened to move to Canada if George W. Bush won the U.S. election, but the only American celebrity to come here so far is Bush.
13. Idols Among Us
Media saturation: 5/10 Annoyingness: 8/10 Score: 40.
Misdeeds: Fantasia Barrino was named the third American Idol despite her opponent being endorsed by the governor of Georgia; Canadian Idol runner-up Jacob Hoggard was booed at an area hockey game; a charity called People for Ultimate Kindness Toward All Living Creatures on Earth bid $10,099 US for a lunch with Diana DeGarmo; Fantasia, DeGarmo, Kelly Clarkson, Clay Aiken, Ruben Studdard, Gary Beals, Billy Klippert, Audrey de Montigny, William Hung, Kurt Nilsen and Kalan Porter had new records out in 2004.
Mitigating factor: Both A Clay Aiken Christmas and Fantasia: Home for Christmas were hammered in the ratings.
Bonus points: Fantasia recently told reporters, "I'm not going to let people forget me. I'm going to be on cereal boxes, milk cartons and ice-cream trucks."
14. The Greatest Canadian
Media saturation: 2/10 Annoyingness: 10/10 Score: 20.
Misdeeds: CBC dragged out excruciating, unwatchable series to determine the "greatest Canadians"; winner had people exclaiming, "Who the hell is Tommy Douglas?" (only the father of medicare); Don Cherry places higher on the list than Wayne Gretzky.
Mitigating factor: No one watched it.
15. Oprah
Media saturation: 6/10 Annoyingness: 3/10 Score: 18.
Misdeeds: Gave a brand new $28,000 Pontiac to every member of her studio audience, 276 people, prompting Letterman to dole out car air-fresheners the next day; served on a jury at a murder trial, invited fellow jurors on her show; liked a sandwich so much she bought the sandwich store; declined to run for president as per Michael Moore's suggestion.
Mitigating factor: Dr. Phil still losing hair.