“You don’t have a clur (sic) about music. How can you say a washed-up old man like Bob Dylan is better than Nickelback?”

I got that e-mail nearly eight years ago, and I’ve had it taped up near my desk ever since. Mainly because it’s hilarious on multiple levels — clur? But along with that, it neatly encapsulates the essential difference between music critics and Nickelback fans.

Which is, in a nutshell: We think Nickelback sucks. And they think Nickelback rules. And neither one is going to change the other’s mind.

But since Chad Kroeger and Co. are the big dogs at this weekend’s Juno awards, with five nominations — and since they have basically stopped speaking to the media — I thought it might be time to examine the issue from both sides. So here are five reasons music writers hate the Nickelheads. And five reasons the kids love them.

Then again, what do I know? After all, I haven’t got a clur.

Why fans love ’em

1) Their Songs Are Hits

Say what you will about Kroeger, he’s honest. When asked by Sun Media years ago about his songwriting, he said, “Maybe it’s formulaic for a reason. Maybe ... the reason they’re hit songs is because people like them. The song sticks in their head, it infects them, affects them and then they want to go out and buy that piece of material and take it home with them. They need to hear it another 40 times just to sort of cleanse their soul of the whole thing. That’s what songwriters want.”

2) They Speak to Their Audience

You want philosophy? Read a book. Nickelback give their fans exactly what they want: Songs about the lives they have — and the lives they want. They don’t know what Dylan is mumbling about, but to millions of twentysomething guys with little education, dead-end jobs, used pickup trucks, divorced parents, girlfriends who drive them crazy — and some likeminded friends who try to escape all the above by getting totally hammered on the weekend — Kroeger gives voice to their thoughts, fears, hopes and dreams. He’s just like them — and he made out OK.

3) They Put on a Show

Ever been to a Nickelback concert? You get plenty of bang for your buck. Emphasis on bang. These guys love their pyro; only KISS has more explosions and fireworks. Toss in all the requisite video screens, massive lighting rigs and satellite stages, and you’ve got everything kids want in a rock show. And the bandmembers don’t even have to change out of their black T-shirts and jeans, which only adds to their everyman credibility.

4) They’re Dependable

There aren’t many things you can count on in this world. But Nickelback is one of them. When you buy an album or a concert ticket, you know exactly what you’re going to get. And that they aren’t going to pull the rug out from under you. They aren’t going to make a disco album. They aren’t going to stop playing their biggest hits live. They’ll always be there for you.

5) 50 Jillion Fans Can’t Be Wrong

Some people like haute cuisine. But they are vastly outnumbered by people who like McDonald’s. If you don’t want a Big Mac, you don’t have one. And if you don’t want to listen to Nickelback, you don’t have to do that, either. But there’s nothing wrong with either of them. To each his own.

Why critics hate ’em

1) Their Songs All Sound the Same

Sure, most bands have a signature sound. And they all repeat themselves now and then. But Nickelback is so formulaic it’s ridiculous. Need proof? Go online, Google “Two Nickelback songs” and listen to a sound file that simultaneously plays 2001’s How You Remind Me on your computer’s left speaker and 2003’s Someday on the right. Granted, the hater who put this together manipulated the files a bit, but the obvious similarities in melody, song structure and arrangement are undeniable and make it clear: They’re the same freaking song.

2) Their Lyrics are Stoopid

Not everybody’s a poet. But as a wordsmith, Kroeger makes Durst look like Dylan. Fusing cheap sentimentality, hoary cliches and frat-boy misogyny, Kroeger’s lyrics — which toggle between heavyhanded tales of dysfunction and addiction, lunkhead party anthems, power ballads about living every day as if it were your last, and portraits of strippers and hookers — are some of the most base blatherings every put to a beat. Say what you will about Zimmy, he never wrote, “We gotta make love just one last time in the shower.” Ick.

3) They’re a Bad Influence

It’s bad enough we have Nickelback. But thanks to their success, the world has to deal with a slew of Nickelback wannabes, all bellowing and moaning like a herd of dying moose: Theory of a Deadman, Daughtry, Seether, Saving Abel, Stone Sour, Staind, Puddle of Mudd ... the list goes on. And on.

4) They’re Bulletproof

For more than a decade, critics have been telling you these guys are atrocious. But do you listen? No. Every album and every tour — right up to their latest disc, Dark Horse, and the accompanying arena trek — is bigger than the last. And to make matters worse, now that the band has all but stopped talking to reporters, we don’t even have the pleasure of making them defend themselves.

5) It’s Not Fair

There are thousands of great bands out there. Bands that write intelligent, thoughtful, sophisticated, uplifting, truly original music. Yet they toil in obscurity and poverty while Chad Kroeger speeds around in a Lamborghini and probably uses $50s for toilet paper. It’s just not right.

darryl.sterdan@sunmedia.ca