Herman's Hermits - now there's a crappy band. They were the gum on the boots of the British invasion.
Compare Help with Henry the VIII I Am. Both were No. 1 in 1965. One is a classic of rock 'n' roll artistry, the other a pox on the civilized world.
Just because a song is catchy doesn't mean it's good. In fact, some of the most horrible songs of all time are ones most likely to stick in your brain.
The Worst Rock 'n' Roll Records of All Time has this to say: "It trivialized Beatles rock into the sort of cavalier music-hall nonsense it was supposed to displace ... Isn't the singer worried about what happened to Henrys I, II, III, IV, V, VI and VII? Of course not: He's a British music hall twit who doesn't have a brain. La la la."
During the outpouring of infotainment that followed the passing of George Harrison, a hastily assembled documentary on the British invasion reminded us of the incredible lameness of Herman's Hermits. See them on TV for the first time in ages, hear them in concert.
This is not a coincidence: The band plays Monday at the Jubilee Auditorium in a show called Flashback to the '60s. Insert sinister echo effect here.
Peter Noone, the original Herman of Herman's Hermits, doesn't care what critics think. Never has. Never will.
"We were all much too sophisticated for that," he says.
Besides, maybe the critics missed the joke.
"We make fun of ourselves. Hardly anybody in show business is able to do that. We only made records to impress young girls and other bands. The Beatles understood Herman's Hermits because not many people would get the joke of a 15-year-old guy on stage singing a song called Mother-In-Law. But John Lennon knew what I was doing, so that was the payoff."
Noone says some pretty funny things during a recent phone interview. At 54, he's still "the sexiest guy alive." He was in fact voted as such in 2000 by viewers of VH1, where Noone worked as an on-air personality.
He also claims the Spice Girls were as important to the record business as the Sex Pistols because "they brought girls back into the record stores."
This is what you call a double-edged sword. Wherever there are screaming young girls, you'll find ... cheesy music. There are, of course, exceptions but '60s teenyboppers were swooning just as hard over Noone as they were over Paul McCartney. There is no accounting for hormones.
Noone is actually a swell chap and I feel bad for dumping on Herman's Hermits like this. I am obviously mistaken.
This band sold 60 million records and had a string of huge hits, each a powerful virus of deadly catchiness that only a lobotomy could remove from one's brain. Over the phone, he plays a new Hermits song that just came out, a bouncy, shiny version of White Wedding.
"It's a fun song to do," he says, "all that rebel yelling stuff, yeeowww!"
He says the song is included on a new album called When Pigs Fly, where you can also hear a duet of Unforgettable with Jackie Chan and Ani diFranco, Devo doing Neil Young, and the Oak Ridge Boys' rendition of Carry On Wayward Son.
Will there be a sequel to The Worst Rock 'n' Roll Records of All Time?
Noone is not ashamed of anything he's done. If he could change anything, he says, he would've let loose more and enjoyed the attention.
Herman's Hermits chose their unsexy name because they didn't want to be sex symbols. The singer was mystified by all the screaming at the time. Now he loves it. And the girls still throw underwear. "It's just a lot bigger than it used to be."
These days, when Noone is on stage, he is transformed into the teen dream he used to be. "When I sing my songs on stage, I go back to the recording sessions. It might sound a bit Stanislavsky-esque, but I really, actually go to the age of the person singing the song. I am 17 on stage, which is really bizarre.
"I can actually do things people at my age cannot do. I can do one-arm press-ups on stage. I can't do two-armed ones when I'm not on stage. It's supernatural.
"I'm able to jump higher than I can jump and I'm able to use more energy than I've got. It might be fear-based. We haven't actually been able to nail what it is."
Fear of being seen as a British music-hall twit who doesn't have a brain? I don't think so. He's got a brain.
