EDMONTON -- "Generals gathered in their masses. Just like witches at black masses."

It is possibly the lamest rhyme ever written, surely the most famous in that category. But you go on and go play shuffleboard or whatever it is you do when you make fun of Ozzy, because it was him, oddly not you, who packed the Coliseum to the ... um ... gills (there are better words) last night more than 16,000 thrashing rockers from skinny teens in spaghetti-string tops to the righteous fat and old.

The man was a rock warlock, his face grimacing with the certain magic that being Ozzy Osbourne for decades will give you.

"The longer you go crazy, the longer we will stay for you," 53-year-old Ozzy promised more than once in the night after a schoolbook version of Mr. Crowley from his solo career.

He followed that with the new Gets Me Through, a meta-career song like that George Harrison tune When We Was Fab or Lennon's The Dream is Over, except it would make your grandma run to the hills, to borrow an island metaphor.

The playing was solid all night, thunderous drum beats, X-rated guitar riffs and the specific stench of an animal-eating legend in the sold-out house.

In short, OH MY GOD, OZZY ROCKED! What do you mean you didn't go? There was wine and everything. Never mind the girls.

OK, journalism time. It's our obligatory job to give equal opportunity to both sides of the story, even when one is 10,000 times smaller than the other. So Ozzy was a bit round, duh (no photographers allowed, eh), and his best move seemed to be doing this fast toad toe-touch thing in a black sweatsuit with an upside down cross on the back.

His band was wild, straying from ancient metal-blues all the way up to Zombie-style tech-rock.

I mean, imagine actually being some 20-something playing with Ozzy Osbourne during War Pigs or Paranoid! It's insanity! I FREAKIN' LOVE 10-minute, over-the-head, Hendrix-tributing guitar solos by rumoured porn star Zakk Wylde, sorry about your luck, Alan Jackson and Rufus Wainwright.

Plus, the guitar break allowed Ozzy to not die onstage in Edmonton, a curse that would haunt us more than having no street party after the Canada hockey gold. Um, but why was there such a long American anthem considering Osbourne's from Britain? Isn't nationalism awesome? Makes a man fierce.

Obligatory opening act info: After Project Wyze did their very urban metal best to successfully pummel those smart enough to show up early (walking from the parking lot was a little like the white-out scene in Dr. Zhivago), Edmonton's most prolific band Tea Party may not be from here, but they easily spend more time on our stages than dust. Is that even a sentence?

Whatever, man, Ozzy is rocking me out to effin Crazy Train as I write this, the brain cells are misfiring all over the place. "So is Edmonton not the rock and roll town of Canada or what?" Jeff Martin asked, a lot more chatty than usual.

Last time I saw TP, Green Day had casually carved their skulls into lanterns and put them at the gates of their Yankee "punk" mansion. Tea Party was loads better this time.

They jumped into the melancholy Release, ripping it apart like an alley-cat by the end. Damn the bastards for pinpointing one of my more memorable breakup songs.

They pulled a total U2, tributing bands like Zeppelin and the Stones, specifically Paint it Black.

"I love their song Peace Frog!!," said this super hot girl within earshot. Oh wait, that's that other drug band.

So, it must be asked, are you sure you don't want to talk about Ozzy more? Yay! His Mama I'm Coming Home, from '91's No More Tears, conquered all doubters. I'm not even going to tell you what Bark at the Moon did, even if you give me three dollars. The number of fists raised with the devil sign was incaculable, even by the most dedicated Christian math nerds.

All in good fun, of course, Ozzy is a defender of the weak and just all over the world, including himself, just look at his lyrics. Above all, he's a nice guy, he just rocks, even in his 50s, enough to make people suspicious.

Except the packed hockey arena last night. They had their own idea. You know that's more people than go see Oilers games, right? The crowd begged happily for more until he finally left.

Thus, in a logical Mr. Spock closing: METALLLLLLLLL!!!!

BEST MOMENT: War Pigs was hard to top - Iron Man maybe?

QUOTE: "We're going to continue until every f---ing one of you is (indiscernible call to rock)."

TOP TEN THINGS OZZY OSBOURNE DIDN'T DO LAST NIGHT

10. Inflate erotic balloon animals with unseen parts of his body.

9. Bite the head off any winged vermin. Bats, for example.

8. Sing his Olympic tribute, Heroes of Satan.

7. Bite the head off Tea Party's Jeff Martin.

6. Spin 1800 clockwise degrees on a flaming unicycle.

5. Bite the head off Terry the TELUS turtle.

4. Break wind. Or if he did, it was silent ... but deadly. DEADLY!

3. Bite the head off metal messiah Kevin Bowman.

2. Bark at the moon. Or if he did, it was silent ... but deadly. DEADLY!

1. Not rock ass. Or bite his own head off. Or bring us beer. Or ... (More on Ozzy Osbourne and Tea Party)

JAM! Rating: 4.5 out of 5