If I had one wish, one hope, it would be that my arms were large enough to give Germany a hug.

A big, warm hug.

And then, I would pat Germany on its combover, kiss its wrinkled forehead and say, "There, there, Germany, there, there. Please don't be angry -- we really do like you."

And I might offer it a flower.

(I was originally going to say candy or a doughnut, but Germany has chocolate, strudel and Black Forest Cake, so I'm pretty sure it would just be offended by the offer and that would probably set it off again.)

If I did these things, if I at least made the effort, maybe Germany would relax and lighten up and maybe not be so grumpy and scary all the time.

Berlin's Rammstein, for example, has spent the last decade frightening the rest of the world with their dark, assaultive rock.

True, it's become more refined and diverse, over the years, especially on their latest release Rosenrot, but still angry. I think.

Who knows what they're saying, really? They could be singing songs of raising unicorns and panda cubs, but the tone! The intonation! Should they be speaking of such magical, fantastical, mythical creatures, it is only of their defiling or vivisecting.

That's confirmed as much by the song Stirb Nicht Vor Mir which sounds positively lovely -- until you discover the title translates to Don't Die Before I Do and guest Sharleen Spiteri of Scottish rock act Texas sings in English the creepy lines "He comes to me every night/No words are left to say/With his hands around my neck/I close my eyes and pass away."

God only knows what the other slow songs on the CD are about -- assuming He speaks German. What am I saying -- of course He does.

And certainly His arms are big enough to wrap around Germany and give it that hug it so desperately requires.

Or at the very least, maybe a little smack on the seat of its lederhosen and the advice to cheer up, just a little.

Track Listing:

1. Benzin
2. Mann Gegen Mann
3. Rosenrot
4. Spring
5. Wo Bist Du
6. Stirb Nicht vor Mir (Don't Die Before I Do)
7. Zerstoeren
8. Hilf Mir
9. Te Quiero Puta!
10. Feuer und Wasser
11. Ein Lied