Insert your own Britney Spears Blackout joke here.
No, really. You go ahead. Frankly, we can't be bothered. Besides, there's nothing we can do to humiliate Britney that the poptard hasn't already done to herself.
The latest example: This much-hyped (and much-leaked) comeback album, which arrives in stores Tuesday.
In some ways, this set of club tracks is almost the sonic equivalent of her disastrous MTV Video Music Awards performance. Which is to say: It's sleazy, slapdash, and sorta embarrassing.
Most of these generic tunes sound like they were tossed together. Most of Britney's vocals come off as disinterested (although we suspect she might be trying to sound sexy). And while some of the hypnotic thumping grooves might work on the dance floor, they seem insufficient on your stereo. And most of the lyrics make Britney seem like some sad, horny divorcee -- OK, at least they got that right.
Still, if you wanna spend your money on all that, well, maybe the joke's on you.
Gimme More 4:11
"It's Britney, bitch," proclaims Brit-Brit. We'll give her points for having a sense of humour. And the four-on-the-floor thump of this funky, Dana-produced slow-burner is pretty addictive. Still, does Britney really need more of anything -- besides interventions, therapy and parenting classes?
Piece of Me 3:32
The in-your-face lyrics -- "Do you want a piece of me?" -- make it sound like Britney is spoiling for a fight. But the bump 'n' grind beat and breathy moaning tell you what she's really after.
The slinky electro-shuffle works an old-school Fever groove, while the bleepy synths and fuzzy bassline update it for the Eurodisco crowd. "I've got my eye on you," says Britney. Quick -- run!
Break The Ice 3:16
"I know I shouldn'ta kept you waiting," apologizes Britney. "But I'm here now." And she brought a choir and one of Madonna's old synth-pop leftovers with her.
Heaven on Earth 4:52
While the beatbox pumps and the Giorgio Moroder synths rise and fall, Britney breathes in your ear and lists your body parts in a bid to seduce you. She must think you have drugs.
Get Naked (I Got A Plan) 4:52
"What I gotta do to get you to want my body?" wonders Britney over a low-impact Danja club groove. Then she starts chanting "Get naked" like that guy in the Doritos ad.
This one's a little more upbeat. Between the slapping funky groove, the sleazy rapping lyrics and the guitar noodling, it sounds a little like an old Prince demo reworked by Peaches.
Toy Soldier 3:21
Thanks to some big military drum lines, this bouncy ditty is one of the more energized and vibrant tunes on the disc.
Hot As Ice 3:16
Another slinky, sexy little synth-funker. The stop-start groove and backup vocals work. Britney's repetitive high-register vocals ("Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah") -- not so much.
Ooh Ooh Baby 3:28
Britney blends the beat from Gary Glitter's Rock 'n' Roll, some of the melody of The Turtles' Happy Together and a flamenco guitar -- and comes up with a tune that is less than the sum of its parts.
Perfect Lover 3:02
One last club banger, featuring a propulsive, clattery belly-dance beat by Danja. Trouble is, Britney's weak, wandering vocal sounds like it belongs with a totally different song.
Why Should I Be Sad 3:10
Pharrell Williams does the heavy lifting on this swirly synth-pop closer, while, Britney disses K-Fed and the "stupid freakin' things" he does. Hello, kettle? This is pot. You're black.