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It was a simple enough question, posed first by Rod Stewart at the height of the disco craze -- and since then at pretty much every show he's played. That question, of course: "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?"
Now, we're pretty sure Rod was talking to the ladies, but if you ask us, the correct answer is: "Um, no. Also, eww."
We realize the fairer sex will always be swathed in mystery, but it's downright baffling that anyone ever found Stewart -- with his rooster-spikes and animal-print Spandex -- even the slightest bit attractive.
But they have, and they do.
Could it be his music? That would be our guess. From his early days with The Jeff Beck Group and The Faces to his solo career, Stewart has amassed a timeless catalogue of hits like Maggie May, Tonight's the Night, Every Picture Tells a Story and of course, Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?
The answer is still a big no, but the 62-year-old crooner's gig at MTS Centre on Tuesday -- when he'll lend his trademark rasp to classic rock covers from his Still the Same compilation -- does raise another question.
Namely, just what the heck is it about Stewart -- not to mention the following artists -- that ladies find so appealing?
1) Neil Diamond
In the 1991 flick What About Bob?, Bill Murray opines, "There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don't." We're in the former category (having a mom who spun The Jazz Singer twice daily will do that), but we've never got the whole "Jewish Elvis" thing, which gives Diamond the power to turn women to jelly simply by raising a bushy eyebrow at them.
Don't believe us? Check out Neil Diamond Parking Lot, in which a gaggle of middle-aged ladies get all giggly over Brother Love.
We totally get: The almost-rock classics Sweet Caroline, Girl, You'll be a Woman Soon, and his recent stripped-down collaboration with Rick Rubin.
But what's up with? The Jonathan Livingston Seagull soundtrack? Wasn't the book bad enough?
2) Donny Osmond
We generally take a dim view of any "rocker" who's graced the pages of Tiger Beat. David Cassidy, Menudo, the New Kids on the Block -- we'll pass on all of 'em, thanks. But at least the marketers behind those acts remembered to factor in a whiff of teen-sex appeal. With his chipmunk cheeks and chaste Mormon upbringing, Osmond was like a Glee Club captain. But the ladies still love him.
Don't believe us? Just ask the scores of theatre-goers who turned out to see him in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.
We totally get: Puppy Love (but only when no one's around, natch).
But what's up with? The creepy brother-sister interplay between him and Marie?
3) Leonard Cohen
For years, we've refused to believe it, but recently we were faced with the unavoidable truth: Leonard Cohen cannot sing. Can he write? Exquisitely. Do the tunes hold up? Without a doubt. But we're still at a loss to explain why so many ladies get weak in the knees whenever Cohen unleashes that tuneless mumble.
Don't believe us? Head to Cinematheque next week, when they're screening Ladies and Gentleman: Mr. Leonard Cohen AND Leonard Cohen: I'm Your Man for, like, the gazillionth time.
We totally get: Earlier hits like Suzanne, So Long Marianne and Sisters of Mercy , plus later fare like Everybody Knows, First We Take Manhattan and The Future.
But what's up with? The Can-lit "classic" Beautiful Losers? It's pretty pervy, and not the kind of thing you want to picture your mom reading. Certainly not our mom. Again, eww.