Between all the songs and cellphone ads (are you sick to death of those Norm MacDonald beaver spots already?), they handed out 11 awards in three-and-a-half-hours last night on the 48th Annual Grammy Awards.
Do the math -- that's less than four an hour.
A bunch went to John Legend (who?), U2 (didn't that album come out last year?) and Kelly Clarkson ("She's now the American Idol's idol," cracked my daughter).
Oh well, the Grammys are really more of a star-packed variety show than an award show. After Madonna shaved both legs and, along with Gorillaz, high-stepped through an animated puppet set, 26 more songs were sung, from rap to rock to country.
Still, despite all the diverse talent and genres, there's a numbing sameness to the Grammys. In the past, individual acts such as Prince or Michael Jackson would electrify the dump. (Last year, breast cancer survivor Melissa Etheridge turned the trick.) Last night there were too many manipulated moments (tributes to Richard Pryor? The people of New Orleans?) and not enough genuine moments.
Basically, the show was too long, too much. Still, a few things stood out:
SLUTTIEST HOUSEWIFE: Who did Teri Hatcher's hair and makeup -- Courtney Love?
SCARIEST MOHAWK MOMENT: Oddball rocker Sly Stone squeezed into one of Elvis' old jumpsuits, teased out his white rooster 'do, strutted out, possibly sang, then vanished during a crowded and sloppy tribute to Sly and The Family Stone. Joss Stone, Fantasia, Ciara, Steve Tyler from Aerosmith and 60 or 70 others took the stage for Higher. Missed were the Wolfman and Igor from Hilarious House Of Frankenstein.
DIVA MOMENT: Mariah Carey, in a wig borrowed from the Cowardly Lion, disrupted the migration of wild geese and dolphins everywhere with her ear-splitting, arm-waving show stopper.
WORST HAIR: Tom Hanks, who must be playing the president of the Hair Club For Men in his next movie, showed up to introduce a subdued Bruce Springsteen. "Bring 'em home!" The Boss said.
WORST HAIR FLIP: Madonna, who went a little crazy with her curling iron. Nice pins for an old broad, however.
OSCAR ERASER: Jamie Foxx dressed up like a toy soldier and rapped through some nonsense with Kanye West. Somewhere, Ray Charles was spinning in his grave.
ALL POISE: Alicia Keys, who played along with Stevie Wonder off the top of the show, joined him on an impromptu sing-a-long on Higher Ground.
SINCE YOU BEEN SIX: Kelly Clarkson boo-hooed through a weepy acceptance speech as best female pop performer.
BEST INSPECTOR GADGET IMITATION: L.L. Cool J. What's with all the bad hats?
NICE AND SIMPLE: Pianist Herbie Hancock accompanied a restrained Christina Aguilera.
WORST BEARD: David Foster, who's beginning to look more and more like Jed Clampett.
BEST TWO SONG SET: The "loudest folk band in the world," U2, rocked through Vertigo and then slowed it down for a rousing duet with Mary J. Blige on One. "Talk about a tough act to follow," next presenter Matt Dillon said.
ONCE FUNNY: Sheesh, did Dave Chappelle leave his funny bone in Africa?
SOREST LOSER: Michael Buble, who had his Buble burst losing to legend Tony Bennett.
FUNNIEST INTRO: Ellen DeGeneres used six words to introduce Paul McCartney: "Our next performer needs no introduction."
STRANGE BUT COOL: McCartney teaming with Linkin Park and Jay-Z on a Yesterday rap. Very today.
CARPET NAILER: Fashionista Steven (Cojo) Cojacaru took one look at the (green) red carpet and told ET Canada's Cheryl Hickey, "There's a lot of slutty girls out there."
