Charlie O'Connell chose Sarah on last night's final episode of The Bachelor.

Archie has had 64 years to choose between Betty and Veronica and he still hasn't done it. Charlie O'Connell did it in three hours.

Last night's Bachelor finale only felt like 64 years. It was the excruciatingly drawn-out and completely unexpected result of Charlie O'Connell being unable to make up his mind between Krisily and Sarah in the regular loathsome season of the live, improvised soap opera. He kept those poor girls waiting. Their pain was our entertainment. Who would win the rose and therefore Charlie's heart? Who would be rejected and set the stage for a Fatal Attraction-type reality show? (I know, I know. Don't give them ideas.) Who? For the love of God, who?

Sarah. That's who. Charlie picked Sarah. He promised to be "the best boyfriend ever." They hugged. She said, "To me, you're perfect." He said, "I'm not perfect." She said, "You're perfect." Sounds like the basis of a healthy relationship. Good luck, kids.

Meanwhile, Krisily's heart was ripped out and ground to dust under the cruel gumboots of sadistic ABC reality show producers. Charlie did the "gentlemanly thing" and dumped her away from the studio audience. Of course, they were still on national television.

Three hours of quality prime-time ABC and A-Channel programming was what it took to deliver the big news. Each segment was exactly the same: Girl loves Charlie, is jealous of other girl; cut to Charlie saying he "doesn't want to hurt anyone." Sorry, Charlie. That's the way the show was designed. We saw more boring dates, more interviews, more hardball questions and exchanges like this:

Girl's blubbering mother, "As your mother, I'm so proud."

Smarmy host: "As you should be."

One of the bright spots was a parting shot of Edmontonian contestant Kim Choma, whose memorable "fencing" episode was viewed by all. Yes, we watched people watching themselves on TV. Kim was attired in those fetching pink shorts which reveal her tawny naked buttocks. Ahem.

"She's a friggin' slut," piped up Krisily's charming grandmother Nana, watching on the monitor. Hey, you old bat, you're talking about a gal from a good, pyrogy-making family in Edmonton. Granny fight!

There was some excitement yesterday over a rumour that Kim would be ABC's next Bachelorette, despite poor ratings for The Bachelor. She'd call the show Who Can Tame Down Kim Wild? Reached yesterday, she said she won't guess "what ABC has up its sleeve," but that it would "make sense." The show would play up the whole skimpy clothing angle. We heartily approve.

It is hard to know how Charlie came to his decision. The many sequences of brooding and witless banter offered no clue.

Krisily's colourful in-laws may have played a part. The fact that Sarah didn't seem to like Charlie's blowhard friends is a hallmark of a good future wife. Charlie frequently kissed his two would-be sweethearts - but did the "gentlemanly thing" and didn't go all the way - perhaps, like Archie, thinking of Veronica when he was with Betty and vice versa.

He stammered. He hummed and hawed. His hands shook. The big, dumb, lovable mook shed tears on several occasions. As did the girls. And their moms, giddy with the prospect of marrying off a daughter on national television.

There is no doubt the emotions expressed by any of the people in this show are real. None of them are smart enough to be acting. And so, at the end, everyone got what they wanted, or at least deserved. A minor celebrity found true love. A nobody hooked up with a minor celebrity. Several women willing to cheapen the greatest human emotion in a game show earned a tiny bit of fame. And we got to see Kim Choma's bum one last time. Everyone was happy.