The fall TV season marks the resurrection of the world's most deranged, inhuman blood sucker.
And that's just Martha Stewart.
Nipping at Stewart's immaculate heels is an army of demons, extraterrestrials and creatures -- all designed to ratchet up the fear factor of viewers who are in store for the scariest TV season since Mulder and Scully closed The X-Files.
For that, thank -- or blame -- Lost, last season's sci-fi-tinged smash, which shot to the top of the ratings jungle AND spawned hundreds of slavish websites devoted to combing over the clues to the drama's many secrets.
While Desperate Housewives had the bigger ratings bang with its sly suburban soap opera, it is Lost (alongside surprise mid-season success Medium) that's clearly shaped this season's spooky television landscape -- whether it be the scheming aliens of Invasion and Threshold or the menacing spirits of The Night Stalker and Ghost Whisperer.
Other trends? Less reality-TV -- with the exception of stalwart old-timers such as Survivor, The Amazing Race and The Apprentice and a few newcomers (Three Wishes).
Also expect more series with season-long story arcs -- a la 24 -- such as Fox's Reunion (every episode constitutes a year with the entire season spanning two decades) and the network's Prison Break, about the attempt to break an innocent man out of a maximum-security prison before he's executed.
The latter premieres tomorrow when Fox gets a jumpstart on the fall season -- rather than wait until after baseball playoffs are over. The exceptions? That '70s Show and Pamela Anderson's Stacked, which will premiere after the World Series. 24 fans, meanwhile, will have to wait until January for the fifth season of the hit real-time drama, which will run uninterrupted until May. Other midseason contenders due later on include the military drama The Unit and Jenna Elfman's comeback comedy, Everything I Know About Men.
The following is a rundown of the premiere dates for new and returning shows during the next six weeks.
- MONDAY AUG. 29
PRISON BREAK (Fox): A man, desperate to save his imprisoned brother from execution, launches a preposterous plan to break him out of prison. Balk all you want at the show's plot -- the pilot episode is a big, energetic entertainment.
- THURSDAY, SEPT. 8
REUNION (Fox): This potboiler follows a group of tight-knit friends over the course of 20 years in a single season. The premiere is set in 1986. Expect deceit, sex, murder and loads of top 40 tunes from the past two decades.
THE O.C. (Fox): Back for a third season with Ryan (Ben McKenzie), Marissa (Mischa Barton), Seth (Adam Brody) and Summer (Rachel Bilson) beginning their senior year at Harbor High.
- SUNDAY SEPT. 11
THE WAR AT HOME (Fox): This family sitcom stars Michael Rappaport, who just wants to keep his kids in check. So he sends them to Iraq. Really. Except for the Iraq part.
THE SIMPSONS (Fox): Guest stars this year include Alec Baldwin (as a marine biologist in the season premiere Bonfire of the Manatees), Kelsey Grammer, William H. Macy, Ricky Gervais, Terry Bradshaw, Lily Tomlin, Frances McDormand, former basketball great Dennis Rodman and Yankee pitcher Randy Johnson.
ALSO RETURNING: Family Guy and American Dad (both on Fox, from Seth MacFarlane) and Wife Swap (ABC).
- TUESDAY, SEPT. 13
BONES (Fox): David Boreanaz, formerly of Angel, plays an FBI agent teamed with Patricia Cornwell-esque crime solver.
SUPERNATURAL (The WB and Citytv): From McG (Charlie's Angels), two brothers travel from town to town, vanquishing demons along the way. American Gothic meets Teen Beat.
WANTED (Citytv): Gary Cole leads a SWAT team.
- RETURNING SHOWS:
House (Fox) about a brilliant but prickly doctor; Gilmore Girls (The WB), coming off its most creatively praised season; and The Biggest Loser (NBC).
- WEDNESDAY SEPT. 14
HEAD CASES (Fox): Holy Has-been! Chris O'Donnell goes from big-screen boy wonder in Batman and Robin to troubled lawyer in this muddled dramedy about mentally unstable attorneys. Seriously.
- THURSDAY SEPT. 15
SURVIVOR: GUATEMALA (CBS): The 11th edition features former Dallas Cowboy Gary Hogeboom.
- FRIDAY SEPT. 16
THRESHOLD (CBS): Aliens plot to invade Earth by rewriting our DNA. Gorgeous Carla Gugino (Sin City) and not-gorgeous Brent Spiner (Star Trek's Data) must stop them.
TWINS (The WB): Sara Gilbert plays a twin who is the opposite of her hot sister (Molly Stanton) in this sitcom. Melanie Griffith plays their mom.
RETURNING SERIES: What I Like About You, Reba and Living with Fran are all back on The WB.
- SUNDAY, SEPT. 18
King Of The Hill (Fox): Hank for the memories.
- MONDAY, SEPT. 19
KITCHEN CONFIDENTIAL (Fox): Based on the real-life memoir of a New York chef, this series from Darren Star (Sex and the City) treats chefs like rock gods.
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER (CBS): The wonderful Alyson Hannigan (Buffy) takes a surprising supporting role (along with Neil Patrick Harris, formerly of Doogie Howser fame) in this sitcom about a man who is relating the story of how he met his wife to his children.
JUST LEGAL (THE WB): Don Johnson stars as a sleazy lawyer who gains a conscience alongside his inexperienced partner (Jay Baruchel). Debuts on Citytv Sept. 21.
OUT OF PRACTICE (CBS): Aaaaaay! Henry Winkler a.k.a. The Fonz is the newly divorced (from Stockard Channing) patriarch of a clan of dysfunctional lawyers.
SURFACE (NBC): In this science fiction adventure, the aliens come not from the stars but from the deep (as in ocean).
RETURNING SERIES: Arrested Development (Fox), CSI: Miami (CBS), Las Vegas (NBC), Medium (NBC), King of Queens (CBS) and Two and a Half Men (CBS).
- TUESDAY SEPT. 20
MY NAME IS EARL (NBC): Jason Lee (Almost Famous) stars in the season's funniest new show, about a scumbag who sets out to help all the people he's wronged in his life.
RETURNING According to Jim (ABC), Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (NBC), NCIS (CBS), The Office (NBC).
- WEDNESDAY SEPT. 21
INVASION (ABC): A hurricane in Florida may be just a smokescreen for an alien attack. Stars former Calgarian Kari Matchett. Cannily paired with Lost.
THE APPRENTICE: MARTHA STEWART (NBC): Can Martha trump the Donald?
E-RING (NBC): Benjamin Bratt and Dennis Hopper in the Pentagon. Slickly made, from executive producer Jerry Bruckheimer (CSI).
RETURNING SHOWS: Lost (ABC): CSI: NY (CBS), Law & Order (NBC), Still Standing (CBS), Veronica Mars (UPN), Yes, Dear (CBS), America's Next Top Model (Citytv).
- THURSDAY SEPT. 22
EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS (Citytv): Chris Rock produces and provides voiceover for this autobiographical account of his childhood.
CRIMINAL MINDS (CBS): Ever wonder what CSI would've been like if Mandy Patinkin had played Gil Grissom? Now you know.
RETURNING SHOWS: The Apprentice (NBC), ER (NBC), Joey (NBC), CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (CBS).
- FRIDAY SEPT. 23
GHOST WHISPERER (CBS): Jennifer Love Hewitt's breasts see dead people.
KILLER INSTINCT (Fox): Cops battle deranged psychotic criminals -- and their own demons.
INCONCEIVABLE (NBC): Series set inside a fertility clinic.
THREE WISHES (NBC): Amy Grant -- yes, that Amy Grant -- grants regular folk their wishes. I wish for a fast cancellation.
RETURNING Bernie Mac Show (Fox), Hope & Faith (ABC), Malcolm in the Middle (Fox), Numb3rs (CBS), Supernanny (Fox).
- SUNDAY, SEPT. 25
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES: Can Teri Hatcher and the divas of Wisteria Lane survive the sophomore jinx?
RETURNING: Charmed (The WB), Cold Case (CBS), Crossing Jordan (NBC), Grey's Anatomy (ABC), Law & Order: Criminal Intent (NBC), The West Wing (NBC).
- TUESDAY SEPT. 27
COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF (ABC): Twenty years after she played Michael J. Fox's maid in Family Ties, Geena Davis returns to television as the U.S.'s first female president. Donald Sutherland co-stars.
RETURNING SHOWS: The Amazing Race (CBS), Boston Legal (ABC).
- WEDNESDAY SEPT. 28
THE GEORGE LOPEZ SHOW (ABC): Why is this still on?
- THURSDAY SEPT. 29
THE NIGHT STALKER (ABC): Charlize Theron's real-life squeeze Stuart Townsend stars as a reporter hunting demons in this remake of the 1970s series Kolchak The Night Stalker -- which was one of Chris Carter's inspirations when he created The X-Files.
RETURNING SHOWS: Alias (ABC), Will & Grace (NBC), Without A Trace (CBS), Smallville (The WB) and Everwood (The WB).
- TUES. OCT. 4
CLOSE TO HOME (CBS): More crime from Bruckheimer Inc. (the CSIs, Without A Trace).
RETURNING SHOWS: Rodney (ABC)
- WEDNESDAY OCT. 5
FREDDIE (ABC): Freddie Prinze Jr. still gets work. And some people don't believe in the Devil.
RELATED (The WB): Four quirky sisters. One predictable sitcom.
RETURNING SHOWS: One Tree Hill (The WB).
- FRIDAY OCT. 7
HOT PROPERTIES (ABC): The producers of Frasier tackle the world of New York real estate. Stars Gail O'Grady (NYPD Blue).
