  Shania Twain says the secret to her success is -- wait for it -- hard work. You heard it here first, folks. |
The shallow gene pool of reality TV is not the best place to go diving for pearls of wisdom. You're only going to end up getting a concussion.
But sometimes you'll stumble across the odd bit of insight in one of these shows, whether it springs from the lips of country queen Shania Twain or a shrill Florida mother. And don't you dare say those are two sides of the same coin.
The Apprentice (Thursday at 9 p.m. on NBC and Global): Last week's much-ballyhooed Shania Twain episode -- seriously, you never saw such an abundance of ballyhooing -- featured the pride of Timmins, Ont. on screen for what seemed like roughly 62 seconds.
But what quality seconds they were! Competition winners Randal and Rebecca of Excel, who hawked Shania's new perfume better than their rivals, were treated to a little Shania-escorted horsey-riding in Central Park (see? She really is country!), then were whisked straight to a trendy Manhattan restaurant (see? She really is rich!), still reeking of les chevaux. No wonder they were seated in the wine cellar.
Rebecca quizzed Shania on the secret to her success, to which the budding fragrance industry magnate responded: "Any real success comes with nothing short of the hardest work." And the most generic cliche.
Back at the boardroom, The Hair That Walks Like A Man admonished Capital Edge for blowing half their budget on horse carriages instead of recruiting an army of hawkers like Excel did, and young Adam was canned like Aunt Betty's fruit preserves. Next time, try working harder. So says Shania.
On this week's show, the final four contestants work with Microsoft to promote Office Live. Which I guess is like Xbox Live, except with a helpful paper clip instead of the Master Chief. Whee.
Survivor: Guatemala (Thurs. at 8 p.m. on CBS and Global). Gary got sacked last week but, to his credit, kept his ex-NFL identity secret until the very end. Nice work, Clark Kent.
Judd, still reeling from his pal Jamie being voted off the week before, wouldn't let sleeping dogs, well, lie. "Those who claim to lie the least are lying the most now," railed Judd. He makes Shania look profound.
This week, it's rumoured the final six castaways' loved ones arrive on the island, and one contestant -- Judd, maybe? -- wins a visit with his clan. And then is immediately voted out. Couldn't see that coming.
The Amazing Race: Family Edition (Tuesday at 9 p.m. on CBS and CTV.) God bless the Weavers. The Florida widow and her wonderfully hypocritical kids are truly the most entertaining thing about this series, particularly last week when they were yielded at a ski jumping challenge in Utah.
The family settled in for their hour-long wait with ice cream, with Mama Weaver declaring, "Whenever you get sad, you just have to eat ice cream. It revigorates and injuvenates you." And yes, that's a verbatim quote. Again: God bless 'em.
And blessed they were, as they arrived at the pit stop in last place only to learn it was a non-elimination round. The divine powers that be -- ie. the show's producers -- clearly don't want the Floridians to exit the game just yet.
This week's highlights will include the Weavers and the Linzes butting heads, and the Linzes and the Bransens butting hot air balloons. Can't decide which sounds more entertaining.
The Apprentice: Martha Stewart (Wed. at 9 p.m. on NBC and Global). This week, the candidates compete to design a showroom for whatever car the show is currently shilling. It was supposed to be last week's episode, but Martha got pre-empted for a Faith Hill special. And to be honest, it was a good thing.
