South Beach may put sand between your ears, but it sure is pretty to look at

Just to be clear, South Beach and Falcon Beach are not the same show.

But both make prominent use of the word “beach,” and that is no accident.

Vast TV audiences living in Northern climates get antsy early in each new calendar year. There’s an old saying about winter losing its magic on the first of January, and the networks know how to use this.

Thus the mid-season appearance of programs that unashamedly and unabashedly cash in on what the viewer is doing already: Dreaming about summer.

What’s next? The Sand Network? Tan-TV? The Golf Channel?

Despite the actual existence of that last project, the winter-blahs formula is simple: Pack a plethora of bikini-clad babes and hot hunks into a summer setting, dream up a rudimentary plot that divides the one-dimensional characters into good ones and bad ones, toss in some stiff acting and lame dialogue, and let the viewers gaze and dream.

It’s just one step above pro wrestling or soft porn.

The latest entry is South Beach, a UPN product with Jennifer Lopez serving as executive producer, so you know it must be good. South Beach makes its debut with a two-hour extravaganza tonight (8 p.m., CITY-TV).

The real South Beach, of course, is located in Miami, where, according to TV shows such as Miami Vice, CSI: Miami and this one, everybody either is a model or could be a model. And anyone over the age of 40? Former model.

South Beach stars Marcus Coloma as Matt and Chris Johnson as Vincent, two best friends from Brooklyn who move to Miami and, in improbable fashion, immediately become deeply involved in the uber-hip, cutthroat, pastel lifestyle.

Matt keeps running into his former girlfriend — a model, of course, named Arielle (Odette Yustman), but he also is becoming the object of desire for an older woman named Elizabeth (Vanessa Williams, formerly Miss America and Rick Fox’s ex) who manages a trendy hotel.

Have you ever been to Miami? It’s a big place. The area known as South Beach is pretty big, too. Yet Matt and Ari run into each other more frequently than bumper cars at a cheap midway.

And if Three’s Company taught us anything, it’s this: Storylines always can be driven when two characters get caught quasi-groping each other. Was the groping real and heartfelt? Did the girl accidentally fall into the guy’s arms? What if Mr. Furley finds out?

To be honest, South Beach already has performed a personal service. While watching the second hour of what will air tonight, we were introduced to the term “frenemy” — as in, “Uh-oh, incoming frenemy.”

Definition: An enemy who acts like a friend. This is a word that will come in handy.

But overall, programs like South Beach are big-time frenemies. They cuddle up to you, all buddy-buddy with their heavenly bodies and gorgeous settings, but they actually are rotting your brain.

Or maybe we’re just being too grumpy.

How many months ’til summer, anyway?