Sunday
Oprah's Big Give: As O says, it's "give big or go home." Instead of letting the piano-playing cancer patient that the final three were making dreams come true for this week shine in her own spotlight at Carnegie Hall, Giver Rachel actually had the guts to get up there and sing. Buh-bye.
Big Brother 9: Knowing he was going up for eviction again this week, James took the "Wah wah, please don't make me go!" route and Head of Household Adam fell for it. Sheila and Sharon, you're up.
Monday
Dancing With the Stars: The first perfect 10 scores were given this week, and Shannon Elizabeth, Jason Taylor and Kristi Yamaguchi felt the joy of Bruno's air punch. A mustachioed Adam Carolla might have done better if he had stayed on his unicycle (you had to be there). Priscilla Presley also didn't pull it off, but Carrie Ann just loved her ability to create drama with her "facial expressions." She was kidding, right?
The Bachelor: London Calling: Unrequited love hurts. But if you're going to pull your girls out of your shirt on TV, you're asking for it. Said indecent exposure is what turned Brit hunk Matt Grant off of Kelly for good this week, while Holly and Ashlee were let go because, let's face it, they were annoying.
Tuesday
American Idol (Performances): Even Kristy Lee Cook couldn't spoil Simon Cowell's uncharacteristically good mood this week. Shockingly enough, David Cook managed to pull off a weak performance (he has Our Lady Peace's Innocent to thank) and Carly Smithson wasn't so hot either.
Dancing With the Stars: In the most amusing DWTS elimination episode ever, Sheryl Crow sang while a bunch of glorified booty dancers practically shoved their goods in her face, kiddie ballroom geniuses shook it like the rent was due, and castoff Adam Carolla offered some inspiring parting words of advice. I'm still convinced it was all a dream.
Hell's Kitchen: The only thing nastier than Gordon Ramsay's language was this week's lesson on waste. Other lowlights? A halibut challenge, a disgraceful service (though those aren't the words Ramsay used), the firing of non-nominee Sharon and sexist sous-chef Jason's crack about the women's team being useless.
Big Brother 9: It's amazing a dude with a pink mohawk managed to slip through all these weeks, but James (and everyone else in the world) knew his time was up when Ryan won the Power of Veto. He replaced Sheila on the block, but I would have liked Ryan save Sharon instead, if only to see feisty mom Sheila slap them all upside their heads.
The Biggest Loser: They came. They conquered. They lost. Ali and Kelly survived this week, but America will decide whether Roger or Mark will round out the Top 3 in next week's finale. Who cares? There's no way Ali is NOT going to win this thing.
Beauty and the Geek: I'm not sure who was more traumatized this week: the geeks -- who were plucked, waxed, trimmed and redecorated into acceptable members of society (cowboy Joe took the makeover especially hard) -- or the beauties, who were forced to grope their partners in a love scene challenge on the set of The Young and the Restless.
Pussycat Dolls - Girlicious: Rocker grrl Carrie was cut for being an individual. Like, come on.
Wednesday
American Idol (Idol Gives Back): Teri Hatcher sang Carrie Underwood's Before He Cheats (for serious), Billy Crystal shared a stage with Miley Cyrus, Brad Pitt let a sound woman grope him -- oh, the things celebrities will do for charity. Fortunately, their and North America's efforts raked in over $60 million for U.S. and overseas charities this week.
America's Next Top Model: Recap episode alert! Those who thought they were getting a fresh week of Tyra-ific challenges and shoots instead had to witness footage of mom Claire drinking her own breast milk, skinny chicks wrestling on a bed and that clip of model judge Paulina Porizkova telling Dominique she reminds her of a transvestite version of Robin Wright Penn. LOL!
Big Brother 9: Least shocking elimination ever! Not even impending evictee James gave a damn about trying to save himself. The result? A complete waste of a Wednesday night. A new Head of Household wasn't even named, as the final five were last seen dangling from floorless glass shacks. Whoever holds on the longest wins. Blah.
Thursday
Survivor: Micronesia: Everybody was holding their breath this week (literally), but Eliza was playing it cool -- until she realized the "immunity idol" alliance Jason gave her was the fake one Ozzy had carved a few episodes back. Burned! The merging of the tribes also brought the green-eyed monster to the island, and with fangirl Alexis hitting on Amanda's man Ozzy, I smell a catfight in the works. Me-ow.
American Idol (Results): I can think of about three other people who should have been ousted, but it was Aussie Michael Johns who made a somewhat untimely exit. His rendition of Aerosmith's Dream On wasn't up to par, and he probably wasn't going to be the last Idol standing anyway -- but still, millions for U.S. and overseas charities this week. Now THAT'S a fundraiser.
