BIG BROTHER 9

There's no better way to spend a Sunday evening than watching a bunch of caged humans break wine bottles over each other's heads for a cheap reward (popcorn and a peek at the latest Ashton Kutcher movie). Now that's what I call a family night.

OPRAH'S BIG GIVE (Finale)

Final trio Stephen, Cameron and Brandi weren't given a single buck for their last Big Give -- but hey, Blue Man Group will perform for free. After getting the percussionists to play a charity gig and raising thousands for two children's groups, the trio was joined by Jennifer Aniston in the judging room. Because she's famous and stuff.

DANCING WITH THE STARS

A perfect score and a blossoming showmance -- now we're in the swing of things! Kristi Yamaguchi was deservedly the first recepient of the coveted 30 points after pulling off a killer jive. And love is in the air (at least for the cameras) for Shannon Elizabeth, 29, and her 22-year-old partner, Derek Hough.

THE BACHELOR

That was not Amanda's mom toying with Bachelor Matt's nipple on this week's home-visit episode. That was an actress. Damn. Prankster girl's real parents turned out to be totally normal, as were tomboy Chelsea's. Noelle had a sweet fam, but she and Matt failed to connect. Thus, no rose. Our Brit boy got along best with Shayne's soap-actor dad Lorenzo Lamas and her plastic surgery-addicted mother.

AMERICAN IDOL

Syesha stepped up the sass for One Rock & Roll Too Many, Brooke White had to stop and start over, Jason Castro made Cats' Memory into something I want to forget -- Andrew Lloyd Webber week brought out the best and worst in our Top 6 Idols. But that segment where Lord Webber asked David Cook to gaze longingly into his eyes like he was a gorgeous teenage girl? Priceless.

Dancing With the Stars

Ashlee Simpson, Riverdance, more kiddy ballroom -- Marlee Matlin may not have been able to hear everything that was going on before she got the hook, but she still had to see it. That's punishment enough.

BIG BROTHER 9

Sheila and Adam may have been shackled together, but Adam was eyeing up Ryan as a potential ally who would take him to the end. And with the eviction of five-time nominee Sharon -- and also the impending fate of poor, crying Sheila -- that certainly looked like the case.

a shot at love 2 with tila tequila (premiere)

The second batch of men and women vying for bisexual Tila Tequila's, um, heart got rid of that pesky clothing they were wearing. Then it was on to a ladies' talent show (do cartwheels count?) before Tila turned 15 lesbians into nine. The boys' assignment was a fashion show, during which a particularly bad-mannered fellow earned the handle Nick in a Box. He -- and five other men -- immediately got a stiletto to the rear. Why, that was easy.

BEAUTY AND THE GEEK

Is it just me, or was it way too soon for a BatG recap episode? Like, hasn't this season only been going on for a couple of weeks? There was nothing to recap, and the "unseen footage" included a gang of geeks playing with a toy robot thingy. Next!