American judge Paula Abdul has broken her silence about her 12-year long battle with painkiller addiction.
The singer-turned-TV personality was left in debilitating pain after a 1992 car accident and 1993 plane crash that required 15 spinal surgeries and left her dependent on pain medication.
Abdul has been dogged by reports she had become an addict and continues to defend herself against allegations she filmed the TV talent show high on drugs.
But since a stint last November at Carlsbad, California's La Costa Resort and Spa, Abdul admits she's come to terms with her dependency and is determined to stay sober.
Describing her withdrawal symptoms, Abdul tells Ladies' Homes Journal: "I was freezing cold, then sweating hot, then chattering and in so much pain. It was excruciating. But at my very core, I did not like existing the way I had been."
And Abdul insists she won't be turning back to drugs after realizing how close she came to death.
She adds: "I could have killed myself."
