Fall is upon us -- so it's out with America's Got Talent (or lack thereof) and Big Brother (blond power!), and in with big losers (including a 476-pound woman) and survivors who've watched too many Sly Stallone actioners (ahem, Shambo). Can't hardly wait!
Sunday
Big Brother 11: Darn. My DVR only recorded half of the never-before-seen clips episode. What's a BB fan to do? Not worry too much. Besides, I did manage to catch the one where Chima, Natalie and Lydia hopelessly bawled over Jessie while Kevin rolled his eyes with the exaggeration of a 14-year-old girl whose dad just embarrassed her in front of her friends.
Monday
America's Got Talent: Junkyard percussionists belong in Vegas. Sisters who clog to Britney Spears belong in Vegas. Stunning opera singers belong in Vegas. Dancing contortionists belong in Vegas. Not that any of this mattered when it came time for America to cast their last vote ...
Tuesday
Big Brother 11 (finale): Just because a blond bumpkin who waits tables in North Carolina wins the $500,000, why y'all have to say BB's rigged? Jordan deserved every last dollar. The simple fact that she kept herself in the game after her future hubby Jeff -- whose coattails she rode -- was ousted was impressive enough. But watching her win the final Head of Household competition and beat liar Natalie was enough to make a mama proud, y'all.
So You Think You Can Dance Canada: Karen Kain picked an interesting week to guest judge -- what with Melanie and Cody's dirrrty hip-hop routine, the introduction of house (which the ballet star had never heard of) and the makeout session/gun scene in Corynne and Austin's jazz number. Being the poised ballerina she is, Kain smiled politely through the whole show -- but man, she looked uncomfortable.
The Biggest Loser (premiere): It's back -- and bigger than ever. My heart is already going out to Shay -- the heaviest person ever, at 476 pounds -- as well as Abby, who lost her husband and kids in a car accident. Tracey touched my soul when she insisted on finishing the mile challenge before getting heli-lifted to the hospital. And who doesn't love Coach Mo? Yes, the floodgates are opening.
More to Love (finale): Passionate, exotic-looking model Tali and beer guzzlin' all-American blond Malissa -- Luke's final two picks couldn't have been more different. Clearly, Malissa had some growing up to do, so it was Tali that got the bling in the end -- even though his dad isn't big on his Christian son marrying a Jewish gal. But hey, this is freakin' 2009, Pops.
Wednesday
America's Got Talent (finale): Susan Boyle may not have won Britain's Got Talent, but her male American counterpart -- country singer Kevin Skinner -- pulled through for the both of 'em this week and won AGT's $1 million. Boyle was there to watch on (and sing an awkward version of Wild Horses) as the Kentucky chicken catcher beat out deserving acts like Barbara Padilla and Recycled Percussion. The humble hillbilly deserves a Vegas headlining slot about as much as my lazy dog does. But his win is still only half as disturbing as Shakira's ass-centric performance. Ugh.
So You Think You Can Dance Canada: Everyone knew krumper Natalie would have a rough time making it to the end -- but did she have to leave us so soon (insert excessive bawling here)? Actually, her and contemporary dancer Danny's West Coast swing routine this week was bucc (I still don't get what that means), so I can't figure out why Canada forgot to vote for them. Anybody?
America's Next Top Model: This was an eventful episode, where the girls posed half-nude on top of a horse and got judged by master critic Lauren Conrad. Rachel was tossed out minutes into the show after ticking off Wilhelmina bigwig Sean Patterson, and the judges stopped feeling sorry for Courtney's broken foot long enough to show her the door.
So You Think You Can Dance: I shed a little tear for deaf contender Allison Backer -- who didn't miss a beat -- and gave props to Nigel Lythgoe for not saying anything controversial when a pair of same-sex ballroomers hit the floor.
Thursday
Survivor: Samoa (premiere): It's been awhile since we've seen pure evil enter the Survivor camp -- but faux-fireman Russell has several seasons' worth of sabotage and deception up his sleeve. The "puppet master" created his own "Dumb-ass Girl Alliance" and got the Foa Foa tribe's Marisa turfed -- even though he's a member of Galu. The other castaways had better drop this guy.
