Little known fact about me: I danced for nine years. Tap, jazz, ballet -- you name it. You'd think that would make me excited about spending six hours watching glitzy routines on Dancing With the Stars and two different versions of So You Think You Can Dance. But no, it doesn't.

Sunday

The Amazing Race 15 (premiere): Harlem Globetrotters, poker aces, Miss America -- wow, it's so nice to see that the $1 million could go to someone who already has a stockpile at home. Unlike yoga teachers Eric and Lisa -- who didn't even make it past the flippin' start line. So tragic they didn't get to play Sushi Roulette and torch their tastebuds eating wasabi bombs in Japan. Garrett and Jessica survived the Japanese game show, but failed the duck-herding challenge in Vietnam -- and their shot at the bucks fell through the quacks. (Sorry, that's so not funny, is it?)

Monday

Dancing With the Stars: Forget the fact that Kelly Osbourne effed up her tango; forget that Kathy Ireland's flouncy pink dress did most of her dancing for her; forget Mya's near-perfect jive. Monday was all about the Muppet Show quickstep. I can't believe I'm saying this, but Aaron Carter (and Animal) made my night.

Tuesday

Dancing With the Stars: You're still beautiful after all these years, Kathy Ireland; but you've gotta go. However, your flouncy pink dress (see above) can stay if it wants. You too, Baz Luhrmann. Though you'll have to learn how to reveal a score other than "7" if you're going to remain a judge.

So You Think You Can Dance Canada: Last season's ab-ulous Natalli Reznik and Francis Lafreniere's return was the best thing that ever happened to this season's Melanie and Vincent. The former pair choreographed the latter pair the hottest paso doble I've seen since Gilles Marini was on Dancing With the Stars. And that's saying something.

Hell's Kitchen: The rice was overcooked. The chicken was undercooked. The dessert was deflated -- well, metaphorically, according Chef Gordon "@#$%ing" Ramsay, who said this week's service was like "watching a giant souffle collapse." Funny -- I didn't get the image so much with the service as I did with Suzanne's expression when she learned she was going home.

The Biggest Loser: Tracey pushed everyone's buttons this week -- including those of psychotrainer Jillian. And trust me: Those are buttons you don't want to push. Even after Jill tore a strip into her for eating cupcakes during the temptation challenge (which she won), Tracey continued to push her luck. After being awarded the power to put one person on the scale from each team, she had the nerve to choose Shay instead of her leaner orange partner Daniel. Thank gawd Antoine and Sean were eliminated instead of the orange team. That's all I can say.

Wednesday

So You Think You Can Dance Canada: The elimination of Amy, I can see. A beautiful dancer, yes. Can she keep up with frenetic Melanie, Kim or Jayme Rae? Heck no. But there must have been like, one, vote that sent brawny contemporary dancer Austin home instead of boyish hip-hopper Cody. Something there just doesn't add up.

America's Next Top Model: Does anyone else miss the early cycles, where The Tyra was intimidating, and only showed up at panel - instead of working herself into every challenge and playing photographer at the shoots? Mind you, she was MIA at this week's Wal-mart makeup challenge, where the girls raced through the store like it was Black Friday. After Tyra took some thrilling beauty shots, Bianca was left without a photo. I just knew it'd be over for her once she lost that mean streak ANTM cameras love so much.

So You Think You Can Dance: That rubbery leg dance called the New Orleans bounce is sick and all, but did it really warrant Shelby Skipper an automatic pass to Vegas? I guess that's what happens when Nigel Lythgoe steps out for a week.

Thursday

Survivor: Samoa: Oh, the life of a Galu tribe member. Doing yoga on the beach, parading around in bikinis and cuddling into new pillows (thanks to Russell S., who lost his brain and chose luxury over fishing gear) are just some of the activities the "90210" bunch (as hostile tribemate Shambo calls them) enjoy. Why? Because they're livin' in a dream world! Meanwhile, Foa Foa lost its fourth member -- Ben, the sorta racist -- after working their tails off at camp. Ah yes, life is fair.