Reality TV's bottomless barrel

The Kardashians can't keep up with the new crop of wild reality TV shows. (Handout)

The Kardashians can't keep up with the new crop of wild reality TV shows. (Handout)

MICHAEL RECHTSHAFFEN, Special to QMI Agency

, Last Updated: 5:29 PM ET

HOLLYWOOD -- Attention all gun-toting, competitive-eating secret Satanists who can stick large objects safely up your nose!

You might just have what it takes to be the next reality sensation!

Yes, you -- especially if you also happen to have a tattoo that you regret.

In their seemingly never-ending quest to demonstrate there is no bottom of the barrel to ever come close to scraping, reality programming continues to pursue fresh, uncharted lows where the sensational and the depraved are concerned.

As evidence, we've gotten wind of a slew of breakdowns for new reality show pilots that make the Kardashians look shy and demure by comparison.

What say we start with Secret Lives, a proposed reality series looking for real folks with something sordid to hide?

Among those on the producers' wish list are a Housewife Porn Star ("Would your fellow soccer moms be shocked to discover your other identity?"), a Witch ("Would your overtly religious family be shocked by your covert beliefs and practices?"), a Secret Transsexual ("Are you a transgendered person keeping your past gender identity a secret from your spouse or lover?"), a Secret Vigilante ("Have you taken the law into your own hands to seek retribution?") and -- gasp! -- Facebook Frauds who pretend to be someone they're not.

Jackass may be gone but that gonzo spirit lives on in Guinness World Records Gone Wild, a reality pilot on the lookout for a Head-butter (a person with a hard noggin who can safely head-butt/smash multiple plates over their head), someone with high pain tolerance who can "safely snap a mousetrap on their tongue," the aforementioned talent who can stick large objects safely up their schnoz and a Speed Eater "who can safely eat a raw, yellow onion in under 45 seconds."

Those auditions are apart from another set requesting aspiring competitive eaters and burpers -- specifically a Hot Dog Swallower and an Amazing Burper "who can hold a lengthy, loud burp."

Oh, yeah, and some gifted individual blessed with the ability to "slice a can open with their teeth."

Successful applicants will receive a whopping $100 stipend.

Got one or more tattoos that you regret? Then the brains behind My Tattoo From Hell want to see you, especially if the ink in question is creating a daily nightmare. Possible reasons for removal would include drunken dares, crazy ex-relationships and gang tattoos. They aren't paying anything but, hey, you get your tat changed for free and just think of all that (potential) network exposure.

Then there's that cable game show targeting passionate gun enthusiasts whose best part of the week is when you "put down your work and pick up a gun."

The cash prize competition show has been looking for applicants who are "charismatic, competitive and good with a gun." They'll be matching marksmanship against pros such as former and current cops, bodyguards and military personnel.

Hopefully they won't be crossing paths with the contenders for Screaming Moms, a new docu-series that has been requesting "out-of-control," "fire-breathing" "Momzillas" whose constant screaming and nagging has "turned your home into a war zone."

Those would-be monster moms will receive professional assistance in soothing the savage beast.

Of course, the ability to belch the national anthem probably wouldn't hurt, either.

Michael Rechtshaffen is a Canadian entertainment writer based in Los Angeles.


Photos