Cheap Smarm & Gossip column

Kelly Osbourne. (Reuters)

Kelly Osbourne. (Reuters)

Liz Braun, QMI Agency

, Last Updated: 3:47 PM ET

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "I actually had a nightmare the other night that people were trying to deflate my boobs while I was working. They had tubes and I was trying to work, but they kept getting smaller.I was like, 'Guys, don't take them away!' I'm getting issues about it, I think."

Jennifer Love Hewitt (The Client List) keeps everyone abreast of her breasts and her dreams about breasts.

It's not really that hard to get breasts into the conversation.

BLATHER:

1) "Why do they call it a Wonder Bra? I think its cause when its off you 'wonder' where your boobs went! How is it I was DD at 18 & at 27 Im a B? Off to the g maybe my empty sacks of s--- that I call t--- will get even smaller! #awesome."

Kelly Osbourne proves that even silly people can get breasts into the conversation with no difficulty at all.

2) "I was so fearful of hitting her. I was thinking, 'Please don't let me hit this woman in the face! Her husband is watching!' And then I hit her."

Jessica Biel pretends she didn't enjoy smacking Kate Beckinsale upside the head while they filmed Total Recall together.

3) "Anything up to my mum's age, she's 44!"

One Direction's Harry Styles, who at 18 has already dated two women in their 30s, says he likes mature women. Up to a point.

Haven't these boys made enough money yet to pay for psychotherapy?

4) "She is white and fluffy and is often mistaken for a poodle! I call her a pocket chicken because she loves to be held and go places with me. They know her by name at our local Michael's craft store. What? A chicken can't craft too? I make her outfits to mimic my vintage dresses. She also has little capelets! I turn vintage brooches into fascinators for her. Right now I'm knitting her a chicken poncho for those cool summer nights."

Tori Spelling likes to dress up her pet chicken. Sometimes it's better not to ask any questions, people.

DRIVEL:

1)"It's almost as if someone gives them a licence to say, 'I'm a teenager now, I can become terrible.' And they become terrible. They'll come back eventually, but they won't come back for years. And you can't fathom that those little kids who were so dependent on you -- and you were having so much fun with -- they're going to be terrible."

Woody Allen isn't looking forward to the time when his little adopted daughters become teenagers. Bet his wife Soon-Yi isn't looking forward to it, either. Yeah. That's all we have to say about that.

2) "Everyone's belly button is different. Some women's belly buttons pop and some women's don't. I thought, 'Oh I wouldn't mind if it popped because then it would be like the turkey's done,' right? And it's cute! But my stylist was like, 'You don't want that to pop. That's like having a third nipple'. Every time I sneeze, I hold my belly button in. For some reason I think I'm going to sneeze it out."

Vanessa Milano, wife of Nick Lachey, discusses the crucial anatomical issues pertaining to pregnancy. Lachey, who is obviously a MENSA magnet, was previously married to Jessica Simpson.

3) "I'm going. I haven't been told the location yet. That's about all I can say, because he can still kick my butt."

Stephen Baldwin says he's going to his brother Alec Baldwin's wedding to Hilaria Thomas but doesn't know where the reception will be because his brother wants to keep it all a big secret, no doubt labouring under the illusion that anyone gives a stuff.


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