Spoiling Monday night TV

The cast of The Big Bang Theory (Handout)

The cast of The Big Bang Theory (Handout)

Jim Slotek, QMI Agency

, Last Updated: 2:43 PM ET

Recently, at an L.A. press conference for the movie Divergent, star Shailene Woodley blithely gave away the ending of the third book in the Veronica Roth young-adult series on which the movie is based.

Apparently, somebody dies.

Many of the “press” were bloggers of sci-fi and young-adult literature, so you can imagine the decibel level of the groans.

“C’mon guys,” she said, realizing her faux pas. “I mean, it’s already out there.”

That’s the kind of excuse that doesn’t cut much ice with the readers who threaten bodily harm if I so much as suggest a plot twist. But in honour of Divergent’s Tris, the plucky girl in a post-Apocalyptic Chicago who fights her way to freedom, I’ve decided to throw caution to the wind and spill some beans (and whatever other clichés I can pile on) about what’s on tonight.

-On Animal Planet’s Finding Bigfoot, they won’t find Bigfoot. Again. I told you… spoilers ahead.

-On MasterChef Canada (CTV), the show will cut to commercial in mid-sentence as the judges announce who won the Mystery Box Challenge. Also, one of the judges will throw a contestant’s plate in the garbage.

-On Bones (Global, Fox), Temperance Brennan will stare blankly at someone’s attempt at a joke, and then will dissect the joke’s premise as she would a cadaver.

-On Just For Laughs gags (Country Music Television), somebody will get hit in the groin. On America’s Funniest Home Videos (also Country Music Television), somebody will get hit in the groin. Suggested new CMT slogan: CMT – Going Against The Groin.

-On Ancient Aliens (H2 Canada) human civilization will turn out to be the work of the Sumerian deities, the Anunnaki. Said aliens were also responsible for all our ancient architecture our understanding of math and science and ultimately our favourite TV shows. Because, face it, as a species we’re too dumb to have created anything, really.

-On The Big Bang Theory (Comedy Network), at some point, Sheldon will knock on Penny’s door three times and call out her name. He will repeat this action two more times.

-On The Cleveland Show (MuchMusic), nothing funny will happen.

-On the Storage Wars marathon on the Outdoor Life Network (go figure), the skankiest-looking locker that somebody snags for a $20 bid will contain a Civil War era can-opener or something, worth $10,000.

-Meanwhile, on Antiques Roadshow (PBS), somebody will be told that their Civil War-era heirloom their grandfather left them is actually a fake, worth $20.

-On TMZ (E!), Harvey Levin and his team will plan the stakeout of some L.A. nightclub as if it were a military operation. A celebrity will emerge drunk. Score!

-On ESPN Classic Canada, the Flyers and Islanders replay game 6 of the 1980 Stanley Cup Final. The Islanders will win in overtime, taking the series and the cup.

-On WWE Monday Night Raw (Sportsnet 360)... well, I’ve got to admit, this one has me stumped. It’s not like it’s scripted or anything.

Twitter: @jimslotek

Jim.slotek@sunmedia.ca

 


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