Boyfriends Lynn & Alex were eliminated last night on 'The Amazing Race.' (Photo: CBS.com)

Lynn & Alex learned that no matter how well you can control a wooden elephant and a harnessed camel, you can still get screwed by the most unpredictable beast of all: cab drivers. This season’s token gay couple ended up at the wrong ancient landmark and were eliminated last night on "The Amazing Race."

When we last saw our intrepid racers, Rob & Amber were meeting with host Phil Keoghan on top of an apartment building in Lucknow, India, anticipating a Pit Stop. Instead, Phil was there to give teams the next clue (and to enjoy his role as the bearer of bad news).

The clue led them to the train station across the street and a railway car at the end of platform two. Rob & Amber hustled over to find out the train would not arrive until 21:00. Surprisingly, you don’t have to be in the military to know military time, and Rob & Amber figured out that they would have to wait nearly eight hours until 9 p.m., effectively wiping out their lead.

Not surprisingly, Kelly turned up and wondered if it meant 9 a.m. The girl’s got her poor boyfriend making all the military references AND converting military time for the team! Come on, Kelly, pick up the slack! Hup two, three, four…

When night fell, the teams piled on the train and followed the rest of the instructions, which told them to wait patiently for the next clue. And those who didn't wait patiently would be thrown off the train.

At 1 a.m., the creepiest, most sombre-looking little man walked down the narrow corridor, holding individual clues out before him as gingerly as if they were Brian & Greg's swimming trunks. He woke teams up in their bunks and gave them their clue, which told them to search for the next one at the Jodhpur train station—24 hours away.

This gave Rob & Amber and Ron & Kelly the opportunity to spend some quality alliance time together and Rob admitted to forging a “real friendship” with the all-Americans. Uchenna & Joyce slammed doors and kicked each other. Gretchen promised Meredith she would only use her inside voice from that point forward. Remember, dear readers, we write the truth at a rate of one sentence for every three.

Destination: JODHPUR, INDIA

Teams arrived the next night in Jodhpur and learned they would have to travel 1 mile (about 1.5 kilometres) to Sardar Market and find their next clue on the first-floor balcony of a clock tower. Once there, teams discovered that the clock tower did not open until the next morning.

Taking refuge in a snazzy hotel, Rob enlisted the help of a loyal guide, Sanjay, who turned out to be the hotel manager. Either the guy wanted his hotel to be associated with exceptional service, or he liked the idea of being on camera. What you reckon depends on if you believe that there are still compassionate business owners in the world who genuinely want to serve humanity as best they can…or you’re realistic.

The racers were treated to a pseudo-Pit Stop, as teams relaxed for the evening and enjoyed the festivities of a local wedding. Lynn & Alex were pulled into the celebration and danced in the middle of a group of men. Yes, folks, “The Amazing Race” really does make dreams come true.

At the clock tower the next morning, teams ripped open their clues to find a Fast Forward.
Rating: A+

Just a little off the top? (Photo: CBS.com)

For the Fast Forward—the second of two this season—teams were instructed to travel 10.5 miles (nearly 17 kilometres) to a lake-side temple. What they didn’t know was the name of the Fast Forward: Shave Heads. This task involved a ritual for good fortune that every Hindu man and woman does at least once in their lifetime: have their head shaved à la Telly Savalas.

This task was perfect for creating on-screen drama—will they or won’t they?—and it was culturally unique, making it an ideal Fast Forward. Points could be taken off since this was a recycled Fast Forward, but since the models who faced the head-shaving two seasons ago wimped out in the worst way, the reappearance was welcome. Kudos to the producers for bringing it back.

Uchenna & Joyce and Lynn & Alex opted for the Fast Forward, but the boyfriends realized that the married couple was already ahead of them and they opted instead to tackle the Detour: Trunk or Dunk.
Rating: B-

In Trunk, teams had to travel to Jodhpur’s old city and find 600-pound (272 kilogram) teak elephants on wheels. They had to push these woody mammoths a half mile (nearly a kilometre) to a nearby temple.

In Dunk, teams had to travel to a neighbourhood famous for its tie-dyed fabrics. There, they would have to dye 25 white sheets until the next clue appeared on one of the sheets. Apparently, hippies gave the Indians their secret formula for invisible ink.

Like last week’s Detour, all teams chose the same task (in this case, the elephants), indicating this season’s teams feel they have the same strengths and weaknesses. Obviously, producers couldn’t plan for this but when the teams end up choosing the same task out of the two options, the intended effect of the Detour is eliminated, making the task almost pointless. They should consider bringing the less physically challenging task closer to the physically challenging one so that teams consider it a viable option, but they should also up the difficulty quotient. Brawn versus brain is always a classic fight.

Fun with elephants in Jodhpur. (Photo: CBS.com)

Pushing 600-pound elephants through the crowded streets of India seems bad enough, but add an old woman on top with a voice like a newly-neutered cat's and you’ve got trouble. Not reading their clue for the umpteenth time this season, Meredith & Gretchen thought that one of the team members had to sit on the basket atop the elephant. And so, like Lady Godiva (with clothes, thank heavens), Gretchen sat on her steed, moaning “We have a bad elephant,” screeching at the locals, and not bothering to notice that the other teams didn’t have a person straddling their pachyderms.

Ron & Kelly finished first, with Rob & Amber and their band of abducted child labourers following close behind. Teams dropped their elephants off at the designated spot, marked by—we are not lying, as Phil as our witness—an elephant parking sign! Their next clue sent them by auto-rickshaw 8 miles (13 kilometres) to Deora Krishi Farm, a local fairground.

Far from the detouring racers and their giant pull-toys, Uchenna & Joyce puttered along in their auto-rickshaw in search of the Fast Forward. Both worried about the task, hoping it wouldn’t involve head-shaving. What was that we said last week about Murphy’s Law? And furthermore: Uchenna, what are you so anxious about?

Once at the Fast Forward, Uchenna & Joyce realized the task was exactly what they’d feared. Joyce didn’t hesitate for a second and thus became one of the most memorable racers ever—she was absolutely, positively going through with the head-shaving. Uchenna, being the supportive guy that he is, wanted to make sure that she was really committed to the bald look. But Joyce was adamant—she hadn’t come this far to give up now. One shorn scalp and a few tears later, the Hindu hairdresser handed them their next clue. Finally, after nearly four days of racing, it was time for a Pit Stop: Jaswant Thada, a 100-year-old royal tomb back in Jodhpur. Poor royal family. A century in regal solitude and all they get is a lousy group of Americans.

The rest of the teams, meanwhile, still had to clear the Roadblock: Who’s ready to steer their team in the right direction?
Rating: B-

Amber negotiates with her camel at the Roadblock. (Photo: CBS.com)

The team member keen to re-enact “Ben-Hur” (with camels!) had to take the reins of a camel cart and drive twice around a marked course. Once done, the camel master would give them their next clue.

Not a very challenging Roadblock. Team members grabbed their individual camel carts—complete with Indian co-pilots—and raced around the track with relative ease, aside from a few side trips into the bushes. Maybe the race planners were hoping for more camel hijinks, or maybe they just wanted to give the racers a break after being on the go for so long. Still, animals always liven things up a bit. Remember those llamas in Peru? Good times.

Amber and Kelly were the first racers to take on the Roadblock. Kelly seemed to enjoy herself immensely and took an early lead—a lead she kept for the remainder of the camel race, which pretty much guaranteed the good mood, not to mention some schoolgirl giggling about a sore bum. It’s easy to be sweet when you’re ahead, isn’t it, Kelly?

Amber, after some camel off-roading, got her two laps in without further setbacks. Well, nearly. As she arrived at the finish line, her reluctant camel decided to take a break and walk in every direction but forward. Luckily, the rebellious camel was soon subdued (good thing, too—Rob looked like he was close to “subduing” the camel himself) and Amber finished the Roadblock.

Next match-up was Meredith and Lynn. Lynn didn’t seem to have too much trouble with his camel. Meredith, however, was apparently saddled with the crankiest camel in the corral. After he got his beast to stop sitting on the track, Meredith and the stubborn camel bumped around the track with Gretchen’s shrill commands trailing after him. “Talk nice to the camel!” she urged. Meredith managed to complete the course eventually and they too were off.

By now, the rest of the teams were already driving full tilt towards the Pit Stop. Waiting for them on the mat with this week’s fantastically moustachioed greeter was Phil, helpfully employing his customary finger-point-of-suspense.

First to arrive were Uchenna & Joyce, all sleek with their matching bald heads. Next to roar into the Pit Stop were Ron & Kelly and Rob & Amber, jostling for second place. Nearby, Rob’s faithful guide Sanjay cheered both teams from the sidelines. That’s the problem with Indian hotel guides—no loyalty.

Both teams raced to the mat, and despite a double body slam from Rob & Amber, Ron & Kelly arrived mere milliseconds before Team Survivor. The teams maintained their goodwill off the mat, proving that televised wrestling really is just for show.

This left the trailing teams Meredith & Gretchen and Lynn & Alex to battle it out for second-last place. Fearing the likely elimination, Lynn said he was nervous: “I have no more nails to bite…I’ll have to start on my toenails.” Thanks, Lynn. Nice mental image, that.

Toenail biting had to wait, though. On the way to the Pit Stop, Lynn & Alex decided to stop off early and visit another landmark, since their driver mistook “regal-looking tomb” for “castle in the complete opposite direction.” They hoped the error wouldn’t cost them the race.

Back at the Pit Stop, the music was beginning to swell. Phil looked up expectantly and…Meredith & Gretchen came ambling into fourth place. The “oldest team to make it this far in the race” were stunned but happy. “You are the team that will never quit,” Phil said.

Lynn & Alex showed up next and were eliminated. Despite being out of the race, Lynn claimed to have had the time of his life. “The joy we’ve received from the people on this race…it is the most amazing experience we’ve ever had.” So that whole feud with Rob & Amber—just kidding? Or no, wait…blame it on the editors. Everyone else does.

TEAM RANKING

Joyce's new look. (Photo: CBS.com)

Uchenna & Joyce—FIRST
Performance rating: A+
Joyce kicks ass. Uchenna wins Husband of the Year. Joyce did not wimp out at the prospect of being bald on television, but she also didn’t try to hide how emotional it was for her. While it’s hard to understand how anyone—man or woman—could cry over a haircut when a million dollars is on the line, it’s easy to relate to someone who is having a hard time with something but is determined to push themselves through it. She handled it with class and grace, and it’s easy to forgive her for not wanting to show Phil her new look. Uchenna put all the rotten boyfriends and husbands of “Amazing Race” fame to shame with his constant compliments and spirit-boosting words as Joyce lost her hair. More importantly, he took it in stride when she snapped at him for hesitating. He was trying to let her know that she didn’t have to go through with it, and she clearly wanted to just get it over with and not have the chance to be talked out of it. And then he stood by her the entire time. These two need a head check (yes, it’s a pun, deal with it) because their definition of a difficult marriage is not jibing with the rest of the world’s.

Ron & Kelly—SECOND
Performance rating: B
No squabbles, no army references—what did these impostors do with the real Team America? Ron & Kelly seemed to revert back to early-race status this week: dull and unobtrusive. It was good to see Kelly having fun at the Roadblock, though—at least she’s enjoying the experience. They ran a good leg, coming in second (barely), even with the unscheduled pit stop on the way to the Pit Stop. But again, it was mostly thanks to the help from Rob & Amber. And how did they try to thank the Survivors? By trying to steal guide Sanjay away for their own purposes. For shame, Ron & Kelly. Guess that was Ron’s “very, very, very competitive side coming out.” Too bad that competitive side wasn’t around when it came to the Fast Forward. A first-place finish could have given them a nice lead and maybe the chance to prove they can race competently without Rob’s help. Heh, fat chance. In any case, the head-shaving would have brought back fond memories of boot camp.

Rob & Amber—THIRD
Performance rating: B
Apparently, after benefiting from the insider information of numerous helpful guides or locals, Rob & Amber have lost the ability to discern when a guide has outlasted his usefulness. The hotel-manager-cum-navigator didn’t seem to help Romber get an edge and even helped Ron & Kelly get into a cab before helping his charges. Rob showed some ugliness during the Detour when he manhandled a couple of kids to help him push the elephant. Easy there, construction worker Rob—kids must be handled with care. Even street urchins. In the Battle of the Girlfriends, Amber lost to the beauty queen, thanks to a camel chasing its own tail. But kudos to this team for not giving up at the end, even as they could see Ron & Kelly nearing the Pit Stop. Rob put his manhandling skills to good use and helped Amber down a rocky shortcut. Then, thanks to their momentum, Rob accidentally pushed Amber face-first into Ron’s backpack. That’s one for the “best of” DVD.

Meredith & Gretchen—FOURTH
Performance rating: C+
“We have a bad elephant.” Heh—was it broken? This team definitely gets points for not giving up. Despite numerous setbacks (both in this leg and throughout the race), these two just keep plugging away. Sooner or later, though, their luck is going to run out—especially if they keep refusing to read those clues properly. Gretchen’s entire circus act could have easily been avoided had they just taken the time to fully understand the task. Even when she did realize their mistake, Gretchen decided to stay atop the elephant and give poor Meredith even more weight to drag behind him. At least he was a good sport about the whole incident. And the lazy, stubborn camel. And Gretchen‘s screechy advice. Man, this guy deserves a medal.

Lynn & Alex—LAST
Performance rating: B
It’s funny how navigation seems to matter sometimes on this race. If not for the fatal mistake at the end, this team would have run a great leg. They made a quick recalculation regarding the Fast Forward and even managed to catch up to Meredith & Gretchen (although that’s not really saying much, is it?). Lynn also handled the Roadblock well. But, alas, there is that little matter of navigation. Their emotional farewell speech showed us a softer side of Lynn (and not because he ate skin cream), who genuinely seemed touched by all the people he had met during the race. They do make a great team. Let’s hope Alex remembers to tell his father about the Lynn that he just spent a few weeks racing around the world with, the Lynn that he’s dating. Namely that this particular Lynn has something in common with the ambiguously-named Merediths, Uchennas, Robins, and Marions of the world: cruel parents! Well, more specifically, they all share that finicky Y-chromosome.

Next time on “The Amazing Race”:

Rob gets into serious-racer mode. Also, the bickering returns as Kelly takes a potshot at Ron (which will no doubt remind him of Iraq).

TRAVEL LOG

Approximate distance travelled: 800 kilometres

Destinations:
Asia