Rarely do you hear something that blows your mind. And I don't just mean blows it -- I mean kicks its doors down, storms it like a SWAT team, plants plastic explosives and levels the whole damn place.
That was the case, though, earlier this week when word came out American Idol loser -- redundant, sure -- Clay Aiken was going to appear as a guest on Dr. Phil's show.
The reason he would be sitting down with the common sense huckster, the topic of discussion sure to goose the grey lives of housewives, shut-ins and those guys working in Sears electronic department whose only job, apparently, is to make sure the bank of plasma-screen TVs always has an audience, was bullying.
It appears, in school Clay Aiken was -- gasp! Horrors! Guffaws! -- the target of bullying!
(This just in: You eat food, water is wet and Liberace was flamboyant.)
Of course, anyone who has followed the career of the dim-eyed Raggedy Andy doll extensively -- i.e. the self-described "Claymates" or the me-described "morons" -- knows that Aiken has spoken of this dark chapter of his life before in a dark chapter of his book Learning to Sing (now available in colouring book form for the more advanced Claymates).
"I was dubbed a loser throughout most of my childhood," he writes, also calling himself "dodge-ball bait."
"As a kid, I was an insult magnet -- a nerd who loved his grandparents, who wore the wrong clothes, who liked the wrong things, who had goofy hair and glasses, who didn't smoke or drink.
He also admits things got so bad for him, "I actually started convincing myself that wedgies were compliments."
It's great to see the kid's really turned things around for himself by ... um, losing to Ruben Studdard in a karaoke competition, and recording a pair of albums that even other friendless spazzes and geeks are too cool to admit owning (pssst: That's also a compliment).
In an interview with Associated Press, Aiken's mother, Faye Parker, said her son was bullied but she didn't know to what extent.
"I don't know that he was bullied so much as he was just ignored," she says.
Presumably, now that the checks are rolling in, mom is paying a little more attention to young Clay.
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ABDUL'S DISORDERLY CONDUCT
While we're on the subject of mocking Idol and all that it has wrought upon this Earth, let us now turn to judge Paula Abdul, whose somewhat insane behaviour during this season -- dancing, slurring of words, drooling, etc. -- has drawn a great deal of attention from viewers.
But relax, folks, she's not drunk or on drugs or senile -- she's afflicted.
The ex-pop star and recent hit-and-run artist tells People magazine that she has Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy, a rare neuropathic disorder she was diagnosed with -- maybe by her publicist? -- in November that causes debilitating pain.
She tells the mag a number of car accidents and a plane crash in 1992 -- none of them her fault, certainly -- aggravated pain she'd been feeling since a neck injury when she was 17.
Pills and operations over the years did little, she says, until she discovered a new drug.
"I wonder how I got through all the time. If people only knew what I've gone through with pain and pills," Abdul is quoted as saying by People.
"I'm dancing for joy at the fact that not even a year ago I was in so much pain I could hardly get up. From where I was to where I am is a miracle.
"It's beyond a miracle."
If that's God's idea of a miracle, I've got some rain gutters that need cleaning out.
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QUICK HITS:
The White Stripes' new album Get Behind Me Satan is set for a June 7 release. The first single Blue Orchid has already been released to radio ... Pruney rocker Billy Idol has apparently been added to some of the July dates for the all-about-youth Vans Warped Tour. As of yet Calgary's July 14 show is not one of those dates. Idol now brings the average age of the performers up to 73 ... Electronic music pioneers New Order will be appearing on Jimmy Kimmel Live Wednesday night. The band will be performing songs from their new album Waiting for the Sirens' Call, which is released Tuesday. Check out recent editions of MOJO and Q for great interviews with the band on their career including their past incarnation Joy Division ... And just because it wouldn't be Sunday without another unsubstantiated concert rumour, word is The Wallflowers might be eying a local date around Stampede time.
