  "Amazing Race 14" host Phil Keoghan congratulates lawyers Tammy Jih and Victor Jih at the finish line in Maui, Hawaii after winning the competition.
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A major boardroom decision was made, and a finish line that took 40,000 miles to get to was crossed -- yes, I'd call that a productive Sunday night.
On NBC, tenacious septuagenarian Joan Rivers beat out cutthroat card shark Annie Duke to earn big bucks for her charity, God's Love We Deliver (after three frackin' hours), as the second Celebrity Apprentice. Meanwhile, CBS' 14th edition of The Amazing Race wrapped with siblings Tammy and Victor Jih taking home the $1 million prize.
Here's a look at how it all went down, Twitter style. All times are central.
7:00 p.m. (The Celebrity Apprentice): Live from New York, Trump lurks through the American Museum of Natural History, going on about how the prerecorded Joan Rivers/Annie Duke showdown is the biggest deal ever: "They're both tough, they're both smart, and they both hate each other." Insert a couple of Mother's Day puns and a live audience and we're off to a cheesy start. Oh no; what's this? Recaps! I'll stick around long enough to hear Joan call Annie "Hitler" again, and then it's time to switch ...
7:07 p.m. (The Amazing Race): Sibling lawyers Tammy and Victor are the first to depart to the final location: Maui. It's been smooth sailing through the last few legs for these two -- mainly because the legs were in China, and they speak fluent Chinese. Thing is, mom Margie and her deaf son Luke as well as ex-NFL cheerleaders Jaime and Cara are superclose behind. The teams' first challenge? Put on a skimpy swimsuit, prep a dead pig for a luau and carry it down a beach while said swimsuit rides up into unpleasant crevices. Wow, that looks really hard. Pee break!
7:15 p.m. (Apprentice): Dennis Rodman's back! Wait, so are Tom Green, Clint Black, Melissa Rivers, Brande Roderick and Herschel Walker. The previous castoffs are back to flesh out Team Joan and Team Duke, who have been assigned to create a VIP pre-show party -- complete with silent auction, celeb guests and shameless Kodak plugs -- for Cirque du Soleil's Wintuk. Ready, and ... go!
7:20 p.m. (Race): My underdogs Margie and Luke -- the most likable team left -- have slipped ahead, and are Sea-Dooing to their next clue, which is floating under one of 100 buoys. The other teams aren't far behind -- and it'll likely remain that way. Seasoned Race viewers will know the final leg is all about suspense -- and is edited so you have no clue who's going to win until the hour is up. Though now it appears Jaime and Cara have lost their way to the Road Block -- a memory game, which is another Race finale staple -- and could be, well, screwed.
7:33 p.m. (Apprentice): The Duke-ster is dialing all her poker friends, using the fact that Joan called all card sharks "white trash" on a past episode to her advantage. She's not using her new teammates Rodman and Green at all, however. Why bother when she has her minion, Roderick, to boss around?
7:39 p.m. (Race): Our good friends Jaime and Cara made it to the memory game, which involves rummaging through a pile of surf boards that are emblazoned with images from the legs of the Race. If this doesn't do them in, they are truly the most invincible women to ever wave pompoms for a living. Break!
7:43 (Apprentice): A heart medication commercial? Most people Joan's age aren't even up this late. OK, here's the show. Duke finally put slackers Green and Rodman to work -- selling tickets on the streets. OMG, the Race is almost over! Time really flies when, well, you're wasting it.
7:47 p.m. (Race): Oh no, Tammy and Victor are ahead of Luke and Margie. They've blown past Cara and Jaime as well, and are already at the ... finish line? What just happened there? "I have no pants on," a still bikini-clad Tammy giggles as she and her bro revel in their $1 million victory. So much for Jaime and Cara becoming the first all-female team in The Amazing Race history to win, and so much for Luke becoming the first deaf contestant to take home the prize. Of course, everyone's a winner, when you think of how close the Race has brought them and their partners together, yadda yadda. It's just that Tammy and Victor can celebrate their newfound bond by buying shiny new things. I could sit here and analyze the finished Race all night, but there are still two more hours of Apprentice to watch.
7:56 p.m. (Apprentice): Joan is keeping her daughter Melissa occupied by having her shoot photos of random people in Times Square. Whatever keeps her away from Annie, I guess.
8:08 p.m.: Joan's event planner quit. Wait, he was Annie's planner too. Apparently Joan ticked him off to the point where he wanted nothing to do with her -- or Annie. It's officially on.
8:18 p.m.: Annie to person on cellphone: "This woman needs to die." Like I said: It's ON!
8:21 p.m.: Annie's claws may be out, but she doesn't stand a chance against her nemesis, who's determined her event will be pristine even without a planner. "I am the Jewish Martha Stewart," Rivers says. "There is no question about this: I am Joan Rosenstewart." It does have a nice ring.
8:32 p.m.: Joan calls a friend to ask him to hook her up with celebrity impersonating drag queens for her party -- except her friend is at his own mother's funeral. Amazingly, he agrees to help. Enter some fah-bulous imitators of Bette Midler, Liza Minnelli, Cher and Joan Rivers herself. Oddly enough, they're not the only ones arriving at the bash in drag ...
8:46 p.m.: Party time! Never the subtle type, Rodman put on his finest -- and flouffiest -- gown for the red carpet to Annie's chic (and kinda snooty) event, which drew in aces like Phil Hellmuth and long-forgotten figure skater Oksana Baiul. Joan's fete was obviously the livelier one to be at, with boas, drag queens and stars like Kathy Griffin and Kyle MacLachlin.
9:01 p.m.: Boardroom. That leaves 50 minutes for Joan and Annie to argue, and nine for a winner to be announced (minus mucho commercial breaks, some long enough for me to wash my kitchen floor). Annie is quick to inform D-Trump that Joan drove event planner David Turtera away. Joan rebuts with a comment about Annie and her mafia money. Lovin' it.
9:16 p.m.: The results are in: Joan's team raised $150,830 and Annie's pulled in $465,725. But since Joan beat Annie in three out of five of the challenge's criteria, she's sitting pretty.
9:20 p.m. - 9:41 p.m.: All filler; none of it killer. Too bad I already washed the kitchen floor.
9:42 p.m.: Last season's silent hero Trace Adkins and outspoken winner Piers Morgan return to provide more filler -- including why they think Joan should win. And the verdict is ...
9:52 p.m.: ... Not being announced until Joan and Annie embark on one last D-Trump-prompted battle of wits. Joan clearly wins, but does she really WIN?
9:58 p.m.: Yes! Annie's fired, and the credits are rolling. I can't believe millions of viewers waited three hours for such a curt ending. See ya next season, suckers.
