  Jake Pavelka, The Bachelor. |
Like many other Bachelor fans out there, I’ve got a few things to get off my chest before the matchmaking series’ highly dramatic, ultra-romantic season finale airs Monday on City and ABC.
And how better to express them then in a letter to The Bachelor himself? That being said …
Dear Pilot Jake,
I’m not going to lie; I had my doubts about you when ABC first announced you were going to be the 14th Bachelor. You seemed far too wholesome, clean-cut and — OK, dorky — to be the object of so many women’s affections.
But as the weeks went on, you proved me wrong. Turns out in addition to being a handsome, 31-year-old commercial pilot from Dallas, you were the most genuine, blunt Bachelor. Ever! By dropping contestants like excess luggage (remember Michelle, Ella and Kathryn? Me neither!), you proved you weren’t wasting any time, and were whole-heartedly trying to find your lifelong co-pilot.
True, you hit some turbulence along the way — what with boobalicious Rozlyn being ousted for hooking up with a crew member behind the scenes, and sweetheart Ali choosing to leave you for her job in San Francisco. But you didn’t fly off the handle, and I had acquired a surprising amount of respect for you — until you left yourself with the worst final two women in Bachelor history. Ever!!!
Let’s begin with Tenley. A sweet girl, she is. I mean, a bubbly 25-year-old dancer and college admissions representative from small-town Oregon sounds like a total catch, right?
Well, sure — if you don’t mind lending her a hand with that baggage she’s carrying from her divorce. And if a giddy, sugary-voiced Disney World princess impersonator is something you can handle before you’ve had your morning coffee then, hey, she’s your gal!
Honestly, though, Tenley is a great person — fun-loving, smart, and super-sunshiny. It just seems what chemistry you and her had several dates ago has already fizzled, and now all she wants to do is talk about her feelings. We all know how most guys, uh, feel about that.
And then there’s Vienna. The 23-year-old marketing rep and daddy’s girl from Sanford, Fla., that got under the skin of every other bachelorette in the house just by being herself. I too have been struggling to make sense of your connection with her since that fateful bungee jump that brought you two together on your first one-on-one date.
OK, maybe I saw a little spark. But how that ignited a passionate love affair — and could possibly end up with you putting an overpriced hunk of ice on her finger — is beyond shocking.
Face it: There’s a reason why Vienna has already requested a princess-cut diamond — and it’s not because she has a fetish for square-shaped jewelry. The girl has been treated like royalty all her life (right, Daddy?) and will likely want that to continue in her marriage. Why Princess Vienna has so far failed to scare you off because of that, dear Jakey, puzzles me deeply.
And while I’m tempted to take cheap shots about hair extensions, I’m just going to side with the girls in the house who described her as “fake,” since that’s the vibe that fans I’ve chatted with seem to get from her as well.
Given these two choices, I haven’t a clue what you’re supposed to do on Monday’s anticipated two-hour finale. After your parents meet both women in St. Lucia, you’ll have one final, romantic date with each before you hand out that last rose.
We’ve all seen the trailer, and you look to be suffering from immense pain in that inevitable Bachelor-hunched-over-the-railing shot, as you struggle to decide who it’s going to be.
Hey, my vote’s still on Ali — but, unfortunately, that flight took off weeks ago (and the popular blond is already the No. 1 candidate for the next Bachelorette).
Rumours that you choose Vienna have been spreading like wildfire, but I refuse to believe them.
I can’t help but think-slash-hope you’re going to get out of this show alone. Yes, that could be a very sad reality. But there will be millions of relieved viewers waiting to cushion your fall.
Love and kisses from a concerned Bachelor fan,
Lindsey Ward
lindsey.ward@sunmedia.ca
