|Brad Smith, 28, has been named the first Canadian Bachelor. (Supplied)
My first thought upon hearing a Canadian version of The Bachelor was in the works: We are just way too wholesome for that sort of thing.
My first thought upon tuning in to Wednesday's premiere of Citytv's The Bachelor Canada: Turns out we're not so wholesome, after all!
Thank you, Bachelor Canada, for proving me wrong.
Sure, our host (Tyler Harcott) is a little bit lankier, our bachelor (Brad Smith) is an unemployed CFLer, our bachelorettes come from places like Rocky Mountain House, and you can see everyone's breath outside of our souped-up mansion.
But hey, Tyler still has that comforting married-man vibe, Brad is still hot, the women are catty, and no one will care how cold it is since they'll be drunk most of the time anyway. Cheers!
But first, it's time to uncork the bubbly batch of babes lurking under the hay bales and inside the igloos that comprise our home and native land. Mindy from Rocky Mountain House, Alta., is a walking, deer-hunting, hiking boot-wearing stereotype, and she's one of the first bachelorettes we meet.
Oh great, maybe we really are too wholesome. But wait! She has a giant tattoo between her breasts! There is hope for us yet.
Said hope for the show to be as skanky as its U.S. counterpart skyrockets as the ladies continue to leak out of the limos. Some have implants. Others wear double-sided tape. One poses for Playboy. Then there's Rebecca (a.k.a. Bubba), a Toronto real estate agent who wants to make love to “B.Rad” three times a day. Oh, and Bianka, who dated Kim Kardashian's ex Kris Humphries. She's practically a celebrity!
While some scored sexpot points right off the hop, others became known for their unique fashion choices — no pom-pom, motorcycle helmet or Cinderella gown was left behind.
Being the gentleman he is, Brad compliments them all on their dresses and their overall cuteness, but he only has one real instant click with Calgary's Whitney. More on her shortly.
Once everyone is in from the cold (granted, this is shot in B.C., not Nunavut) and somewhat tipsy, the typical tug-of-war ensues as the women rush to get their two minutes of Brad time in to increase — or ruin — their chances of getting a rose.
Meanwhile, Brad can't take his eyes — and apparently, his lips — off Whitney, who gets the coveted First Impression Rose after they share the season's first smooch. Gabrielle from Oakville, Ont., is appalled. Kissing on the first date is “skanky” says the woman whose boobs are desperately trying to run away from her dress.
It's OK, Gabrielle, you will make it far on this show. Whether Brad's loves you or not, you bring the drama. And Bachelor fans love their drama, no matter how fake.
Shortly after, Tyler must console Brad as he dreads his first rose ceremony. He's met so many women in so little time, and he's way too nice to tell them to get lost. But them's the brakes, buddy.
The roses go out, slowly but surely. And while we were led to believe cute softballer Kara was the last lucky lady to get the rose and not the thorns, stilt-legged Ana sneaks through in a super surprise twist. I can only hope the other “shockers” in store this season are this exciting!!!
Unfortunately, nine women weren't so lucky: Amber, Bubba, Clarice, Fawn, Jessica, Mindy (yes, the deer hunter), Sandy, Tina and Tracy were sent back to their hometowns. Their Bachelor dreams dashed, just like that.
A trailer gives us a glimpse into the weeks ahead, and it looks like there's going to be a lot of tears (not just for us viewers at home), at least a few romantic connections, and a whole lot of backstabbing. Wholesome? I think not.