Jennifer Love Hewitt's breasts are all that's super and -- so she insists -- natural about Ghost Whisperer, an eye-rolling Medium ripoff busting out tonight at 8 p.m. ET on CTV and 9 p.m. on CBS.

The laughable premiere introduces us to Melinda Gordon (Hewitt), another happily-married woman who communicates with the dead. And you thought the suburbs were boring. Hewitt's mystic is younger and hotter than Patricia Arquette's soccer mom -- and a lot better adjusted.

Whereas Arquette, who won an Emmy on Sunday, at least makes you believe her character is troubled by her ability, Hewitt's Gordan treats her paranormal gifts with all the gravitas of a trip to the Gap.

And what's worse, so does everyone around her -- her husband Jim (David Conrad) and her best friend played by Aisha Tyler.

As with most ghost stories, the spirits Melinda encounters are not so much frightening as frustrated. They just want closure from the lives they were torn from. For example, tonight's ghost, played by Prison Break's Wentworth Miller, is a Vietnam soldier killed in action who just wants a bit of bonding time with his now-grown son.

And this -- that it wants to "touch" you more than scare you -- is just one of this alleged drama's many problems. Now you don't sit down and watch anything with a title as cheesy as Ghost Whisperer and expect greatness. But you at least hope for something akin to competent storytelling.

Granted, Hewitt possesses a certain doe-eyed something -- let's call it appeal -- but it won't be enough to quiet critics or attract audiences.

Or will it? Although savaged by the press, the show is apparently scoring highly with marketing groups who track viewer interest. And who knows -- maybe it is bland and fuzzy enough to appeal to CBS's gray-haired Friday night audience. Certainly the old men watching might spark to the idea that they can hook up with Hewitt in the afterlife.