Late Show

David Letterman

Michael Vick is busy learning the Philadelphia Eagles playbook. Well, who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks?

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President Obama has accomplished a lot. If you compare the last two presidents, President Bush spent his first 100 days in the Oval Office looking for the corner.

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Fantastic Easter egg hunt in Central Park yesterday. They found 1,500 eggs ... 92 weapons and three bodies. Kids are great at finding stuff. They ought to send them out to find bin Laden.

Tonight Show

Conan O'Brien

This week a list was released of all of Adolf Hitler's living relatives and it turns out there are 39. It also turns out that not one of them has a sign on their door that says, "Welcome to the Hitlers."

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President Obama met with the leaders of Mexico and Canada. He said would work with Mexico to solve the immigration problem, and he would work with Canada to solve the Celine Dion problem.

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They're coming out with a new Cash for Clunkers program that will give consumers a rebate on old home appliances. It's great news for anyone who owns a Buick toaster oven.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Jimmy Kimmel

A guy in Florida was charged with 10 counts of child pornography. Well, he's blaming his cat. He says that the cat would jump on the keyboard and somehow that would download child pornography. It turns out it was a huge misunderstanding -- the cat was downloading "kitty" porn.

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Yesterday was "Take Your Kid to Work Day." It used to be "Take Your Daughter to Work Day," but political correctness took over. Thanks to the economy, there's a new special day for parents and kids -- "Take Your Child to Where You Used to Work Day."

The Jay Leno Show

Jay Leno

The economy is so bad, third graders in China are being forced to take second jobs.

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Defence Secretary Robert Gates said the Somali pirates were all untrained teenagers with heavy weapons -- which we call rap stars in this country.

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In a stunning announcement, Citigroup showed a profit and had its best quarter since 2007. They made $8 billion dollars in profit. That just shows you: If you give a company $45 billion in government bailout money, they'll show you how to turn it into $8 billion in profit.

Late Late Show

Craig Ferguson

Boy George was released from prison after four months. He said the experience was rough, humiliating, and degrading ... and he couldn't wait to go back.

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Phil Spector has been found guilty of second degree murder. You know times are changing when California's putting the celebrities in jail. He got sentenced to 18 years, and his hairdresser got 20.

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It's Navy Day. The U.S. Navy was founded by John Paul Jones. He deserted the British Merchant Marine because he was disgusted by slavery, and he founded the American Navy. Then, he went on to even greater fame playing bass for Led Zeppelin.