|Jerry Seinfeld. REUTERS/John Gress
Despite the show bearing his name being in perpetual reruns now for longer than the actual sitcom ran, comedian Jerry Seinfeld can still do stand up and do it well.
For a little over an hour (including a quick question and answer session) before a nearly sold-out crowd at Toronto's Sony Centre for the Performing Arts, Seinfeld ran the gamut of topics from technology and coffee to marriage and office bathrooms.
“I hate that guy, he ruined my life,” he said, portraying a working couple planning to get to the show (the first of two Friday night with two shows also Saturday) and trying to solve the obstacles so they could finally sit and watch him onstage. “Whatever you're doing in human life, it's about sitting down,” he said, comparing one's backside to “a seat cushion growing out of your body.”
After briefly opining about the differences between cremations and funerals, Seinfeld then veered into discussing the little voice in one's head that conjures up bizarre homicidal and suicidal ideas. Like most of the evening, the topic was short and to the point with a few high points included in each.
Using recent products which previously seemed stupid but not are deemed vital to one's daily routine, Seinfeld spoke about discovering a recent drink which contained booze and caffeine. “Sometimes, I wanna be trashed and alert,” he said, adding that people rarely become dehydrated these days because “nobody goes, 'I'm thirsty, what do I do next?'” Meanwhile the 5-Hour Energy Drink wasn't safe either. “If you need five hours of energy, go to bed!”
Although some fans might have been content to see the star recite old lines from the sitcom, Seinfeld poked fun at people who basically should be paying rent at coffee shops. “I wanna open up a coffee shop and call it, 'Beat It!'” he said. “And the three sizes are Get Lost, See You and Scram!”
The marriage segment didn't mine much new turf, with a husband's passion for golf (Go Off Leave Family) called into question. Men say golf is challenging, but “throw a TicTac into a shoe box 100 yards away” and it's just as challenging, Seinfeld said.
Perhaps the funniest bit was naturally saved for last, with office bathrooms explored and exposed. While giving the technology which now automatically flushes toilets a passing grade, Seinfeld said one had to a David Copperfield act in order for sinks to work. But the biggest beef was with the wall panels which “don't even meet properly,” leaving “a frightened terrorized human eye” peering out as others passed.
Seinfeld closed with a humorous anecdote about two autograph seekers who spotted him at a New York City coffee shop recently. After getting his autograph, actor Wayne Knight (Newman) coincidentally entered the same coffee shop. “The show is coming back to life! What is going on?” the couple said as the crowd roared.
And as for a possible return to television, Seinfeld replied quickly.
“I'm old, I'm rich and I'm tired,” he said, adding that he's content watching Elmo with his children each morning. “Let him bust his little red ass now!”