If only Rupert Murdoch owned ABC, too.
Then the Fox boss who scrapped that O.J. special could also yank William Shatner's Show Me The Money.
If you weren't scared off by last week's preview (and, judging by the soft ratings, a lot of you were), the big-money game show returns tonight at 8 p.m. on ABC and CH.
Imagine if you threw Dancing With The Stars, Deal Or No Deal, 1 vs. 100, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and Shatner into a blender.
That's Show Me The Money, and it is pure Shat.
ABC missed a perfect marketing opportunity to replace Shatner with O.J. Simpson. Can't you just see The Juice bellowing, "SHOW ME THE MONEY!!"
Or maybe Michael Richards. Hey, it is going to happen, trust me. This "TV-takes-the-high-road" thing can't last forever.
Show Me The Money finds Shatner on a new mission: to boldly lower IQs all across North America. He does this by reading incredibly lame trivia questions to incredibly dumb contestants. A U.S. navy serviceman, in full dress regalia, was featured last week. Cue The Star Spangled Banner.
In one of the most convoluted rigamaroles in the history of television, the player has to answer at least six questions correctly, all the while choosing from among 13 strippers who stand next to poles on a tiered stage. Each holds a scroll with a dollar value printed on it. The money is added or subtracted to the player's total. There's also a "Kill Card" that can take away all their winnings.
The one twist: Players can't take the money and run. They have to play to the bitter end, like the navy dude who lost everything.
Shatner, who dances about as well as he sings, busts the odd move here and there. "Ladies, let's salsa!" he boomed on the preview. It brings back memories of those old Laugh-In party sequences, or your drunk uncle Al at your cousin Tina's wedding.
Shatner, the 75-year-old Montreal native, is, of course, dancing all the way to the bank. Besides this show, he's still playing Denny Crane on Boston Legal (Tuesdays at 10 p.m. on ABC). Take the money and dance, Bill, but stick to your day job.
KRAMER VS KRAMER: Viewers who tuned in to Michael Richards' mea culpa on Late Show With David Letterman Monday night saw a clear cry for help.
The former Seinfeld funnyman, caught on camera on the weekend in a racial meltdown at an L.A. comedy club, seemed extremely remorseful for his actions, which included repeated use of the n-word. "I'm not a racist. That's what's so insane about this," he told Letterman via satellite from L.A.
Jerry Seinfeld, booked on the show as a guest, had set up the opportunity for his friend and former cast mate to apologize.
Richards' last-minute appearance was tipped off on the Internet. Letterman's audience leapt ahead of Leno's Monday night, drawing a 5.2 rating/13% CBS share, compared to 4.4/11% for usually dominant NBC.
Judging by his appearance before critics a few years ago to promote his short-lived NBC comedy, Richards is a bit of an oddball. But racist? That never came up.
It has been 10 years since I last set foot in an L.A. comedy club. I walked out, along with several other patrons, after a steady stream of misogynist, racist hate humour from three stand-up creeps in a row. While it in no way excuses what he said, perhaps Richards felt he had to lower himself to the house standards. In this age of cellphone cameras and YouTube, that is a career-killing mistake.
And that, actually, is a good thing.
