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 Jim Lynch was the first person booted out of 'Survivor Guatemala'. (Photo courtesy of CBS) |
Bring on the pain! Taking direct aim at critics who've panned 'Survivor' for never actually being about survival, Mark Burnett and his merry band of sadomasochists unleashed an agonizing debut of the Guatemalan edition last night that was brutal for all the right reasons.
Forced to take part in an eleven mile overnight hike (designed by Burnett's 'Eco-Challenge' crew) through the hellish jungle to win fire and the better camp, the players' true grit was immediately put to the test. Thorns from the 'Little Shop of Horrors' foliage punctured flesh. Dehydrated competitors collapsed to the jungle floor and puked as if they had just arrived home from a Backstreet Boys concert. Like an episode of M*A*S*H, the casualties of war just keep on coming even after the challenge was over and done as competitors dropped like flies. And that was just the beginning of the delicious pain and torment. Unlike some of the other editions where the players lounged around in paradise lazily soaking up rays and making coconut phones as if they were on vacation at Club Med, it seems that these Survivors are gonna be put through the meat-grinder...head-first.
In perhaps the worst kept twist in the history of the popular reality show series, cursed 'Palau' players Stephenie Lagrossa and Bobby Jon Drinkard were given a second chance at playing the game and put on separate tribes by host Jeff Probst. Probst introduced them as easy first boots or experienced players whose wisdom could be drawn upon by the two tribes. Since everyone will be living in the fourth plane of Hell for the next 39 days, I am guessing BJ and Steph won't be fed to the sharks any time soon. No worries there.
His bicep doing the snap, crackle and pop deal early on, Jim Lynch, the 63-year-old retired fire captain, took home the dubious honour of being the first person voted out of 'Survivor Guatemala' when the Nakum Tribe bobbled a crippling Immunity Challenge which saw many of the players get steamrolled by huge logs. Next week: more puking, pain and misery?
Oh, yeah, baby. I'm liking this. I am liking this a lot.
The Survivors at the start of the broadcast were:
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Yaxha Tribe
1. BRIAN CORRIDAN .
2. GARY HOGEBOOM.
3. RAFE JUDKINS.
4. MORGAN McDEVITT.
5. LYDIA MORALES.
6. JAMIE NEWTON .
7. AMY O'HARA.
8. BRIANNA VARELA.
9. STEPHENIE LAGROSSA.
Nakum Tribe
1. BRANDON BELLINGER.
2. DANNI BOATWRIGHT.
3. MARGARET BOBONICH.
4. CINDY HALL.
5. JIM LYNCH.
6. JUDD SERGEANT.
7. BROOKE STRUCK.
8. BLAKE TOWSLEY .
9. BOBBY JON DRINKARD.
Pre-Challenge Happenings (Day One)
Standing at the foot of a majestic Mayan temple, Probst welcomes the tribes to their worst nightmare. Bobby Jon and Stephenie emerge stumbling down from the top of the temple. Most of the new players are surprised and glad to see them.
Brianna can barely contain herself. Watch out! She's gonna blow! Brianna: We won Stephenie! She is such an inspiration.
Jamie is a bit more realistic. Jamie: My chances just went down the crapper with her here.
Danni states the obvious: Bobby Jon is easy on the eyes.
Cindy: Bobby Jon won't quit. He is an asset to our team.
Brandon with his Tom accent and his Colby hat on: Bobby Jon is a little bit dumb.
Probst announces that the overnight hike is gonna be "long and hot". Ladies, get your minds out of the gutter. This is a PG recap. Whichever tribe finishes first wins fire and the better camp. At the top of their paths, the tribes will find food, water, a compass and the typical 'Survivor' map as we have come to know is as about as detailed as bumper sticker.
Survivors ready? Go!
Reward Challenge Happenings (Day One)
As the Nakum Tribe swarms over their goodies with reckless abandon, Brooke states that there was mass chaos. Thanks for the news flash. Margaret (Aka: Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan) says since they don't know each other, it is pretty hard to come up with a strategy. Brandon takes a fall as Nakum (...or should that be 'Nuke 'em?) flees headlong into the jungle.
Bobby Jon: Aw, shucks. He is just glad to get a second chance at the million. He is sure Stephenie is already guiding the Yaxha tribe along.
Cut to Yaxha and lo and behold, Steph is guiding the others on what to take and what to leave. Déjà vu, anyone?
Stephenie: She feels like an outsider already...but that is nothing new. She worries her tribe won't think she is as spectacular as they might believe she is.
Old dude Jim has the compass for Nakum. Since there isn't a clean path any which way, he has each of his tribe members go ahead slowly according to the compass. Jim used to be in the Marines so he is sure they are doing things right. The plan should work out perfectly until darkness falls and the compass is about as useful as a microwave oven in the jungle.
Yaxha's Rafe is loving the fact that Gary has taken over the leadership role. Everyone knows what happens to the leaders on 'Survivor'.
Gary 'call me Hawkins' Hogeboom ain't saying nothin' about his 15 years in the NFL. He is afraid he will get sacked. If any challenge requires spraying jerseys with WD-40, he's your man! He only knows one direction...forward march! Gary gets his tribe lost. He doesn't want to be the leader but with such young ones around, he can't help but to be paternal. Awww.
Nakum's Judd is just a doorman for crying out loud. He ain't ever been camping.
One of the afore-mentioned mutant plants attacks Brooke. His shoulder and arm look like a pincushion. Ouch! Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan to the rescue! She works the thorns out of Brooke's shoulder.
Stephenie commands her goons to pick up the pace, pronto! Yaxha decides to make camp for the night. Steph worries about being on the losing team...again.
At the Nakum camp, Blake is tossing his cookies and his shoulder hurts like the dickens. Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan to the rescue! She helps nurse Blake. She hopes he is better in the morning. Bobby Jon looks on with nervous eyes.
Reward Challenge Happenings (Day Two)
The screaming howler monkeys wake Yaxha's Amy up. It is like she is in 'Predator' or something. Brain to everyone: We gotta go! Brian: They may have been miffed but they know I am right.
Amazingly, the two tribes meet on a path. The race is on! If you call dehydrated players limping after each other a race. Lydia and Amy are lagging behind. Stephenie complains that they lost the other tribe completely. Up ahead, Bobby Jon crumples. He is cramping up and feels as cold as ice. Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan to the rescue! She talks BJ back to his feet. Cindy is surprised BJ went down so early in the game.
Nakum sees water and is the first to get into their boat and start paddling to the finish line. Nakum reaches the beach first but Judd falls into the quicksand mud and finds it hard to pull himself out. Bobby Jon barely gets out of the boat. He knows he must suck it up though and push on as the other tribe is closing in on them
Probst welcomes Nakum and declares them the winners. Probst gives them flint and says they will be living in the ruins they see before them. Nakum applauds as Yaxha crosses the finish line. Probst: "That was a close race but close doesn't cut it in Survivor." Probst gives Yaxha their map and orders them to paddle back to their camp. Even though they lost, Stephenie is proud of her tribe.
Yaxha Tribal Happenings (Day Two)
Morgan is bummed about the outcome. Steph says it stung to have to paddle to their camp after such a gruelling challenge. Yaxha gets to work on their shelter with Steph leading the way. Steph is so glad to have a tribe with hearts and spirits that match her own. Rafe goes a little bonzo and thinks the spirits are guiding them. Obviously, someone left him out in the sun too long.
Nakum Tribal Happenings (Day Two)
Judd, Jim and Blake are puking up a storm. At one point, Bobby Jon's eyes roll back in his head. Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan to the rescue! She and the other women help BJ hold on and aid their fallen male tribemates. Bobby Jon thinks that without Margaret's help, he would have gone into a seizure. Bobby Jon: Palau was recess compared to this. Marg is stunned that all the strong men have been choke slammed.
Immunity Challenge
The players must paddle out to a buoy and retrieve a torch. Then, it is back to the beach where they must use logs as rollers to guide their boats across the beach and over the finish line. First tribe to light their torch wins.
Reward
Result
Yaxha also takes home their flint. Probst jokes that it will be strange to have a Tribal Council without Stephenie around. Steph in her head: Thanks, Jiffy. Why don't you make me even more of a freakin' target!
Nakum Pre-Tribal Council Happenings
Marg: It was hard to lose but the heat sapped their strength. Jim is holding his arm. He knows he pulled or tore a muscle. He heard it pop like a champagne cork. In chatting with some of the other women, Brooke comments that Bobby Jon looks the worst off of all the men who are sick. Brandon is most concerned about Blake. Marg: With one third of the team down, she doesn't know who to vote for. They are all great people but she must kick the person who cannot help carry the team into the future.
Nakum Tribal Council Happenings
Blake comments that the game is tough. It was a hard start. Bobby Jon doesn't like being beaten down. Bobby Jon: Not many people get a second chance at a million dollars. Danni: Sure, the men took the fall but that is because they carried most of the heavy loads during the hike. Judd claims he was sick but he bounced right back up. Probst notices that Jim has a homemade sling on. Jim describes his injury. He tried to lift their boat when he thought everyone else was helping. They weren't and his bicep went pop. Marg believes the tribe needs to pace itself and conserve their energy.
We don't see who Judd votes for but he calls the person "one tough dude". Cindy says her vote isn't personal. She has to vote for who can continue to help the tribe.
Final Voting
1. BRANDON BELLINGER: Jim.
2. DANNI BOATWRIGHT: Jim.
3. MARGARET BOBONICH: Jim.
4. CINDY HALL: Jim.
5. JIM LYNCH: Margaret.
6. JUDD SERGEANT: Jim.
7. BROOKE STRUCK: Jim.
8. BLAKE TOWSLEY: Jim.
9. Bobby Jon Drinkard: Jim.
Tribal Council Victim:
Jim Lynch.
Parting Comments
On the next 'Survivor': Television.
Yaxha starts eating ants. Gary thinks they will be great if they cook them. Stephenie: I am not going to eat ants. The challenges get tougher and Blake hits rock bottom. He is shown in pain and puking. Marg: I am really, really worried about Blake. He is struggling to catch his breath and something is not right.
On the next 'Survivor': Internet.
One Survivor is appalled when a nest of ants are served up for dinner in a tribe desperate for protein. Lacking any sympathy for ailing tribemates, one Survivor starts complaining about the weak ones being lazy and getting pampered. Leading into the second Tribal Council, one Survivor fights back when their work ethic is questioned by tribemates.
Powell's Thoughts: