In the end, it came down to "the epitome of the trashy used car salesman" and "an ignorant, redneck, southern hillbilly," to use the words of the Survivor: Thailand jurors that had to choose between car dealer (and former porn actor) Brian Heidik and Louisiana restaurateur Clay Jordan for the ultimate $1-million US prize. The snake or the weasel? The calculating egomaniac or the lazy buffoon? Jean Chretien or George W. Bush? Roseanne or Tom Arnold?
When all was said and done, friends, there were no heroes left standing in the fifth but by no means last Survivor series. Kudos once again to CBS for their sleight-of-hand in keeping we, the viewers (or at least me, the cranky Survivor writer guy) off their scent. No way would Brian win, I figured, since he's being portrayed as far too much of a calculating, self-loving sleazeball, and CBS likes the winner to have at least some redeeming qualities. Plus, there was the whole matter of his former career as a soft-core porn actor, right?
Well, kids, better throw your copies of The Virgins of Sherwood Forest on eBay, because they just shot up in value. Heidik, 34, went home with a million bucks, an SUV and the title of Survivor: Thailand champion after a four-to-three vote in his favour, revealed live last night on CBS. Survivor host Jeff Probst, who also helmed the one-hour reunion special afterwards, basically spoke for everyone when he wondered aloud: How the heck did this happen? How indeed, Jeff. How indeed.
WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR LOTUS BOAT -- Maybe it's just my own bubbling cynicism, growing bigger and bigger with each new Survivor series like the Blob grew after he ate people and cars and stuff (we're talking about the one that chased Steve McQueen, not the crappy remake one), but the first 90 minutes of last night's two-hour finale reached coma-inducing levels of boredom. So here we present the highlights, in as few sentences as possible: An annoyingly cocky Brian handily won the Survivor Finale Rehash Challenge (recycled elements of earlier immunity challenges, capped by the eating of a dried tarantula.) A visibly angry Helen got voted off, even though she thought it was Jan that was getting the boot. Jan, Brian and Clay released little flower-filled boats representing the "fallen" survivors onto the river (good God, it's not like they actually died or anything) (unfortunately), accompanied by video segments featuring unforgettable moments like Ghandia screaming, Robb strangling Clay and Tanya barfing a small ocean's worth of fluid into the trees. Ah, memories. I'm gettin' all misty here.
After a boat ride through what appeared to be Disneyland's Pirates of the Caribbean attraction minus the animatronic scalawags swilling rum on a dead man's chest ("Get the heck off my chest! I can't breathe!" says the dead man), the final immunity challenge took place in a sweltering underground cavern. Each of the final three had to hold three coins between the fingers of each hand while standing in a contraption that resembled old-school prisoner's stocks, forcing the trio into amusingly uncomfortable poses that made them look like human-sized Thai sculptures. While these Survivor finale torture challenges usually go on for hours, this was over in about 10 minutes, after Jan and Clay quickly caved in one after the other. At the second-last tribal council, Brian punted poor ol' Jan, taking Clay with him into the final vote. Then, finally, things started to get interesting.
LESSER OF TWO EVILS -- While nothing will EVER top Susan's venom-laced diatribe to Kelly in the very first Survivor series, you have to admit things were getting pretty testy around the campfire during the final Tribal Council last night. First, Clay and Brian each made their pleas to the jury of Erin, Ken, Jake, Penny, Ted, Jan and Helen, with Clay going for the "I'm a lucky guy to be here, but I've had some bad luck at home and I-need-the-million-bucks" approach and Brian using the "I tried to do my part and take care of the tribe so vote with your hearts" angle. Then each jury member was allowed to ask a question, and wouldn't you know it - some of them had a few hard feelings! Erin asked each man why they thought the other didn't deserve the million, with Brian responding that Clay was lazy and Clay complaining that Brian was bossy and controlling. Then a seething Ken asked Brian why he didn't want Ted in the final four, hinting that maybe his feelings were racially motivated, but Brian played way dumb and Ken essentially said the truth was between Brian and God. Which, in Brian's mind, are the same person.
An incredibly hot-looking Penny asked Brian a few simple questions about her life, none of which he could answer. Clay, meanwhile, seemed able to describe in detail the tattoo on Penny's aunt's best friend's bum, along with the astrological sign of the guy who gave it to her. The tattoo, I mean. Jake mumbled something incomprehensible and Clay sputtered indignantly (this show needs subtitles sometimes), then Ted took Clay to task for his racist comments, calling him "nothing more than an ignorant, redneck, southern hillbilly." (And Clay thinks, "Um, yeah? What's the question here?") Jan gently accused Clay of being lazy, and finally Helen ripped into Brian for not telling her she wasn't going to make the final three, calling him the epitome of the trashy used car salesman. (Funny how everyone plays the "sleazy used car salesman" card before the "former porn actor" thing. Talk about being on the bottom of the career food chain.) Brian reached deep into his slimy, manky heart full of weasel poop and dribbled out an eye-rolling apology which, sadly, swayed Helen over to the dark side. Then she asked Clay to name three ways in which he contributed to the well-being of the tribe. Realizing he couldn't even name one, he told Helen off. And then, finally, the votes were cast. Sweet relief was within grasping distance! Yes! YES! YES!!!
GREATER OF TWO WEASELS -- After a blatantly obvious transition into the live broadcast from CBS's studio mock-up of the Tribal Council set (hey, how come Brian's hair is suddenly so clean? And how did Clay gain 15 pounds in 30 seconds?), the victor was revealed. Just as Richard Hatch won the original Survivor by playing the game shrewdly and without apology, so Brian Heidik - used car salesman, former porn actor and victim of alleged domestic abuse (Brian's wife was in the studio audience, looking overjoyed and no doubt thinking she may have made a huuuuge mistake by hitting her hubby) - took home the Survivor: Thailand crown. Couldn't happen to an ickier guy. And now I'm going home to watch The Virgins of Sherwood Forest to try and pick up a few career pointers from my new role model. G'night.
