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Our screaming banshee of guttural comedy had his black Senators jersey slashed by Marie Osmond yesterday afternoon.
Osmond, guest host on the Rosie O'Donnell Show, caught the master of surprise off guard when she lunged at him with a clunky pair of fabric cutters. The slashing, televised across North America, was in retaliation for Green cutting up her favourite red coat on the old Donny and Marie Show last year.
"You really, really ticked me off," wailed Osmond as she plunged the scissors into the left breast of the jersey. Abetted by a shrieking audience, Osmond performed a crude lobotomy across the centurion's head and turned her scissors southward, excising the whole lower-left section of the jersey.
"My Ottawa Senators shirt," exclaimed Green, who had been tricked into sober thought by Osmond's inquiry about married life with Drew Barrymore.
Green didn't resist Osmond's attack, but he cautioned her as she cut away at the blue leg warmers around his thighs.
"Be careful with those scissors, I've only got one of those things left," he said in reference to his celebrated battle with testicular cancer.
Shocking as it was, the jersey-slashing incident paled in comparison to the hatchet job Green did to the show's script. He hid grapes throughout the studio (one in the ear of an audience member), messed around with Osmond's soundboard, directed a puppet show and insisted on being called "Gepetto."
Green spoke casually of his new movie, Freddy Got Fingered, saving his best plug for his home-town Sens, just hours before their playoff series with the Maple Leafs.
"Ottawa will kick Toronto's aaa ..." he bellowed, toning down his exclamation in deference to daytime TV's swearing taboo.