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In the muck and mire of Blonde Ambition, a crouching Andy Dick looks up at Jessica Simpson and barks: "Oh, look what you've done, you evil breasty beast!"
I know what he means. Just look what she did with Blonde Ambition. It is a staggering failure at the box office, with only $6,422 in worldwide grosses, and now it debuts on DVD on Tuesday.
Oddly, if coincidentally, Simpson's movie arrives at exactly the same time as two other "breasty beasts" on DVD. That is what makes it so interesting.
In the great cosmic chaos, there must be a reason that so much blondness, so little brains, all vie for attention in the same week.
One of Simpson's rivals is The Simple Life: Goes to Camp, with Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie in their 2006 reunion jaunt after two years of feuding.
Among many indignities, they administer enemas to overweight folks looking to shed fat at Shawnee Camp. The 10 insufferable episodes of season five are jammed onto one disc with flip sides.
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The other rival is the three-disc set, The Girls Next Door: Season Three.
It weaves the endlessly fascinating tale of life at the Playboy Mansion, with octogenarian Hugh Hefner holding court with his three live-in bunny girlfriends, Holly, Bridget and Kendra. The first episode shows how Hef and the girls celebrate Christmas, including a frolic in snow that is manufactured for the occasion in California sunshine. Oh, unbridled joy.
These three releases got me thinking: Why do we give these people so much celebrity for so little purpose? There is a gigantic disconnect in our society. We need to wean ourselves from this insanity.
Goodness knows that people such as Joe Simpson, who produced the horrible Blonde Ambition just to showcase his daughter, give us all the clues we need that things are out of kilter.
"This is the perfect movie for Jessica fans because it's the Jessica they love to see," Simpson says confidently. Sorry, no they so don't.
Later, in an interview segment on the DVD's brief extras, Simpson says of the movie: "This is a great moment for America!"
Wow! You would think he just produced Saving Private Ryan for Steven Spielberg. Funny thing is, America is unhappy with Simpson at the moment.
Overwrought sports writers blame her for the demise of her boyfriend Tony Romo's Dallas Cowboys in the NFL playoffs, thanks to the emotional drain and distraction of their Mexican vacation. They are calling her Yoko Romo.
Plus, the movie stinks like a pig in slop. The weirdest thing is how much those other characters are allowed to trash the naive hick that Simpson plays.
Dick again: "You ditzy, blond, scatterbrain dingbat." Penelope Ann Miller says this of Simpson: "She is just this little good-for-nothing, small-town bimbo!"
It is mean. But there is one fun thing about all this blond ambition coming this week. Of the three DVD releases, the most intelligent and charming and tasteful -- using all those terms loosely -- is the Playboy set.
These are not nudie videos. They are aw-shucks home movies of Hef's girls trying to keep themselves busy. Not my reality -- probably not yours -- but at least there are moments that smack of honesty. Certainly more than the contrived setup for The Simple Life or the simpleton storyline of Blonde Ambition.
But I still yearn for the era in Hollywood when blond meant Marilyn Monroe. She may have been sad and tragic, but that girl had real talent.